Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Changes

2009 is coming to an end... i can't believe it. It's almost 2am and i am sitting here, pondering on all that has happened and changed in my life the past year. Friendships have ended and started. Lessons have been learned, some in harder ways than others. There have been moments where I thought I'd never get everything done for Fall Block! And now moving on to 2010, graduation year, there are so many unknowns. Is this my last break being at home in jersey? Will dad get a job that will require them to relocate? (I just hope he gets one soon!) What about these friendships that I have here? Will I get a teaching job and be able to stay in Chattanooga? Will student teaching go well?

There are so many questions and SO much change coming up that I quite honestly don't like to think about it too much, because change has always been scary for me. Usually the process of change is one that is hard because there's that fear; fear of the unknown. Fear of not being in control. Fear that God somehow doesn't know best, like He says He does. But that's faith. Faith in God is putting your trust and heart into the hands of someone you can't see. Faith is being certain that amidst all the change happening, that God will be your constant. And so that is what I'm clinging to in this upcoming year. Faith that my God will provide. Faith that my God will meet all my and my family's needs.

Faith that my God is exactly Who He says He is.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Total chaos.

So last night, a huge storm came our way, and caused a HUGE tree to fall. In our yard. About a yard from my house. And onto my car.

Today is our last day of classes (Ever!) and everything is due on Friday. I was doing so good until someone hugged me and then I lost it! I'm just so stressed out and want to be home. Dad doesn't have a job, I haven't even let myself feel upset about that. Plus all the work, and now having to talk to insurance people, get a tree off of my car, etc. It's been really crazy. Then today was our last chapel and it was about trusting God. and how we are able to trust God because Jesus trusted God. Jesus trusted God when He was tempted. Jesus trusted God in the garden. And Jesus trusted God on the cross. And He did so perfectly. So even when our circumstances look astronomical and that we can't handle it, we know that we can. and we know that we can trust God. God had a plan when He allowed His Son to die.

And I know that God has a plan in my car being crushed by a tree. Do I understand it? Absolutely not. It's it upsetting and frustrating? Absolutely. But I trust God. What else can I do? He's is good, regardless. And He is where I will find the strength to do what needs to be done.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

1 week left?!

So it's really coming down to the end of the semester - which is half exciting, half scary! (Scary because of how much left i have to do!!) Classes end a week from tomorrow and then I leave Saturday the 12th!! It's been quite a semester, one with a lot of work, a lot of extra curricular activities and a lot of blessings and friendships that have developed and grown. I am so looking forward to going home and seeing friends and family for longer than just 4 days! I'm excited for student teaching as well as completely nervous. I'm excited for Christmas but also wonder if this will be my last one in Jersey. It's hard not knowing what's coming next. But that's the whole point of faith. Walking by faith and not by sight, right? God has been so good to me, and I know He has an amazing plan for my family and for me. I'm excited to finish the semester strong and spend time with family and friends for my favorite holiday!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Friendship Club

Friendship Club... a special needs adult ministry that has captured my heart. Every other Tuesday night, I go down to New City Fellowship to meet with about a dozen adults who are special needs ranging from age 16 to about 60.

Sweet Lynn - always telling knock knock jokes
Wendall - LOVES telling you important dates...he has every holiday/birthday memorized!
Buddy - just a sweet man who always has a smile
LB - the one that I work with who is 16 and is new to the group and absolutely loves it
Dina - a girl with Down Syndrome who always wants to pray for someone

These are just a few of the people I get to spend time with on these nights. I love these people so much. At the beginning of the night we all sang, "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands," "Jesus Loves Me," and then we went around the room and said something we were thankful for. Hearing their responses just put so much back into perspective for me. Some of them were, food, a house to live in, Jesus dying on the cross... and it just made me sit back and think, and realize that yes, life is stressful. Yes, there is SO much going on and it's hard. But I absolutely love the perspective I get when I'm with these wonderful people. They love others and they love God in such a way that I strive to. They have that "child-like faith" that is talked about in the Bible. They love each other and consistently put others before themselves. People look at them and feel sorry. But I look at them and wish I had more of their qualities. This is what I'm meant to do. This is what God has given me a love for. And I can't wait to see how He decides to use my passion and love for His special children in my future.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Widows











So yesterday was our once a semester brunch with the Widows. I work with the Widow's ministry here on campus. There's a group of widows of about 60, who meet down the mountain for a Bible Study and they are with an organization called Widows' Harvest Ministry. Most are in their 70's or 80's, some even in their 90's and probably 85-90% are African American. I have been with these ladies, getting to know them for the past 3 years. And what a blessing they have been to my life. Every Tuesday for about 2 or 3 years, I went down to their Bible Study every Tuesday! Every time I'm there, I'm greeted by the warmest smiles and biggest hugs. These ladies are incredible prayer warriors and they are always willing to talk or pray for me. Yesterday at the brunch, Bertha (the one in the second picture) said that the Lord woke her up at 2am the previous night to pray for me. Wow. That's amazing! She said, "Stacy, I want to give you my number, and I want you to call me. It don't matter if it's 3:00 in the morning; If you're awake and you've got stuff on your mind, or you need me to pray, honey, you just give me a call, no matter what time it is. Cause when I say I love you, I really mean that I love you." How wonderful is that? All these ladies have had such an impact on my life - I hate that I can't go to their bible studies anymore because of teaching, but we try to write/call/go for lunch when we can which has been great. I love how they always say that I have blessed them... when they really have no idea how much they have blessed me. I love the body of Christ. I love how it goes through generations, races, denominations, etc. The body of Christ is such a beautiful thing to be a part of. And I am so truly grateful that He put these amazing women in my life.








(Here are some pics of previous brunches... my camera died as soon as I got there yesterday so I couldn't take any!)

Friday, November 6, 2009

A cluster of thoughts :)

So I am officially done 2/3 of the semester. I can't believe it! This semester has truly flown by faster than any other... probably for 2 reasons... one, WAY more work to do than any other semester and two, my life outside of academics has been incredible, encouraging, and not stressful! :) My second favorite holiday (after Christmas!) is coming up in just a few short weeks and looking back on this past year, seeing where I was, where God has brought me, and where I am now, a lot has changed in one year! This is definitely a Thanksgiving where I can see how God has used certain difficulties to bring me closer to Him. I've learned so much about relying on God and looking to Him for my source of comfort, strength and satisfaction. I've seen that He is my constant, when everything else seems to be changing.

I'm excited to be spending this holiday with my family this year at my grandparents house in NC, doing all of our little traditions that we have formed... making cinnamon roles with grandmom, watching the Macy's Day Parade with Mom, shopping with the girls while the guys play golf. :) I love traditions. And I love my family... so it's a pretty great combination :)

I've learned and relearned what friendship is and should be. Friends encouraging each other, lifting each other up in prayer, really getting to know each other and be real with one another. Living life together and being a support for someone else. I've been blessed beyond measure this year with friends that are just like that.

I definitely have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful for the hard times, the confusing times, the happy and joyous times, the times that God has kept me waiting for His answers so that I could completely rely on Him and trust in His sovereign plan.

God is good ALL the time... and that is something to truly be thankful for.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Faithfulness in Fall

I was on my way to church this morning and I was admiring the beautiful creation around me. It was a crisp fall morning and it was my first time being alone, really since I had gotten back from fall break. The leaves are the most beautiful red's, orange's, and yellow's right now. I have always loved fall on the mountain, but this year, with it being my last and having no clue as to where I'll be in a year, or my family for that matter, the leaves' colors have reminded me that the Lord my God is truly faithful. Then in church we sang my absolute most favorite hymn, "Great is Thy Faithfulness." What a wonderful morning.

The leaves change into these beautifiul colors every single year, without fail. God ordained for that to be, and each year, it reminds us that He is in control. He has a plan. I don't know what God has in store for me, or my family. I don't know if I'll find a place to live, a school to work at, I don't know any of these things. And as humans it's so easy to let this feeling of being out of control make us anxious or worried. But the leaves this morning reminded me that come what may, the Lord DOES know what's going on. He does have an incredible plan - and I can rest in that. I can rest in the Lord who faithfully paints the leaves every fall.

I love being reminded of different aspects of God that I have known for so long. And I love that I can be reminded of them, by something as simple as the leaves outside.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Home.

Fall Break is always bittersweet. Sweet because I get to come home and see all the people who have been praying for me and loving me from miles away. There's something about home that is comforting and familiar...like no other place. Yet fall break is always tough. I finally get into the swing of things, visiting people, conforming back to my pre-college days, and then before you know it, your 5 days are up and it's back to school again. I'm one of the few college seniors I think who has actually gone home for every fall break. I can't begin to say how blessed I am by the people here. We are each others support, each others prayer warriors that we know we can always count on. These people have shown me friendship on another level. And I am so thankful and grateful. So this is the bitter part. Leaving. I just got here. And with my dad's job situation, who knows how much longer my family will be here. It's just a scary and uncertain time right now, and I am SUCH the planner so this is difficult for me. I know these people will always be in my life. But it's just hard leaving this amazing fellowship and thinking about my SIP, teaching, and all the other things I have to do as soon as I get back.

But. Christmas will be here before I know it, I'm sure. This year really is flying by and despite everything I just said about not wanting to leave yet, I really am having the best year at school that I've ever had. And once I'm back in my little house, I'll be fine. But leaving. It's always hard. Yet I'm so grateful that I have such amazing sisters in Christ that make it so hard for me to leave. I am blessed indeed.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

"The Lord Knows How to Heal"

I love how God is not just God our Father, or God our Savior, but also God our Comforter and God our Healer. I love that He restores things and people and relationships and heals hurting hearts. He has done so much in my life and is continually transforming me into the woman of God he wants me to be. Seeing and experiencing healing reminds me that God has healed our relationship with Him. Our relationship was broken with Him and there was nothing we could do about it... nothing that is, until He sent His Son to heal our relationship with Him and restore the mess we had made. God is so good. And I am so thankful for all He has done in my life.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

conference, covenant, and concerns

Thursday and Friday I got to go on a reading conference... and I promise, it was more fun that it sounds ;) It was a wonderful time of learning how to become better teachers for our kids. We were able to go with our professor (10 of us went) and we just got to talk about education for 2 full days; no time limit, getting to voice all of our concerns and ask all of our questions - it was wonderful.

While we were there, it just made me so thankful for Covenant. The professors we have. The people we're with on a daily basis. We ended up meeting people that just...reminded me of high school I guess. This was not a Christian event. I haven't been thrust into that public school mindset in such a long time. People telling us that "it's YOU who are going to make a difference, YOU can be their hope!" and I'm going...HOLD UP. It's NOT us. Yes, the Lord may use us and He probably will, in the lives of our students. But we are not our hope. Our job is to make Him known through how we love our kids, that they are pointed to their true Hope. I learned a lot at this conference and am so glad I went... but I definitely was reminded at how blessed I am to go to a school like Covenant.

Then there's Dad... he has a job interview in Scotsdale, AZ on Tuesday...an interview every hour, on the hour, from 8-5. I can tell he's nervous and wants it to go well. Please pray for peace. Pray that if this job isn't God's will that he wouldn't be discouraged but trust that God has something even better for him. Pray for my family - that we ALL would trust Him with whatever He has for each of us.

In just 2 1/2 wks is fall break - can't believe it's so soon. I'm looking forward to going home, seeing my family and my dear friends who mean so much to me. I'm enjoying each moment and taking it all in. It's been a wonderful semester so far. And I am excited to see what God continues to teach me, how He continues to mold me, and how He decides to use me this year.

Friday, September 18, 2009

1/3

My first of 3 blocks this semester is almost over... Just about a week and a half left. What a whirlwind it has been! I can't believe how much work I've done in the past 4 weeks or so. But the thing is, even though I've had more work with classes this year, this year is SO much better then others have been. I can't get over what a difference this year is.

My friends are amazing.
My passion for teaching seems to be growing every day.
God is drawing me closer to Himself through His Word each morning.
I live in a cute house with 3 awesome girls.
There's no drama.
I'm not constantly anxious, thinking I'm doing something wrong.
I feel loved.
And wanted.
I'm getting involved in things.
I'm reading the Bible every day.
I'm looking to Him for my strength and relying on Him alone for all that I need.
Friendships are growing and deepening, not breaking or distancing.
I'm happy. And joyful. And taking in every moment of my senior year.


I'm looking forward to going home for fall break, but just because I miss my family and friends... not cause I feel like I'm dying to leave and get away from all that's going on here... it's very different. I'm really happy and just continue to thank God everyday for all that He's taught me and all He's blessing me with.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Forgiveness

"Don't wait to forgive until you feel emotionally healed from the wound; instead, CHOOSE to forgive and let God begin the process of true healing in your life."

I came across this quote last night at the place I was babysitting... and it totally struck me. Forgiveness is a choice... not one you make based on how you feel, or based on if you're over the hurt you've experienced. It's a choice you make because that's what God calls us to do - to forgive, and to love. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. You do it because Jesus forgave us. Loved us. Even when we turned our backs on Him and denied Him. And lived life our own way. He still forgave.

And when we choose to forgive, God will not only heal our hearts, but He will transform us into the likeness of His Son even more.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Thankful

Do you ever just sit back and think about your life and this feeling of thankfulness just fills you up? As I sit here, thinking about the people that have influenced me, prayed for me, been there for me through everything good or bad, as I think about just the gift of salvation that is mine that I so often take for granted, and all the Lord has done for me, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.

This year is so amazing and I've only been here 3 weeks. It's so nice when you see God's purposes unfold, especially in the things that were really hard and you had no idea why they were happening. And then to see the blessings that come out of those hard or questioning times - it's wonderful. Such a reminder of God's goodness and grace.

I'm so thankful for my friends. I'm so thankful for my Savior. I'm so thankful and honored that God has called me to be a teacher. I'm thankful for answered prayers - prayers that were answered God's way, and not necessarily my own. I'm thankful for His faithfulness in my life. And I'm thankful that He's constantly providing for me, loving me, and taking care of me.

I am so undeserving of His love. But forever grateful for it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

oh 3rd grade

So yesterday was my first day at Battle Academy for my fall block placement. I found out the day before that I would be with 3rd grade every Tues and Thurs for the fall semester. And I have to admit that at first, I wasn't thrilled about my grade level. I have always worked with little kids and never EVER thought I would want to even consider teaching anything above 2nd... but low and behold - God put me in 3rd and completely changed my mind.

Battle is 75% black, 23% white and 2% other. I love that this school is so diverse! The kids are so sweet, the class sizes are small and the teachers are so good at their jobs. The first day I mainly observed and walked around and helped kids when they needed it. Soon I will be having to teach a writing lesson and i'm actually really excited about it.

One thing that being in a public school again after 4 years and also now coming into it as 'teacher' rather than 'student,' has shown me, is just how hard yet so amazing it will be to be a Christian teacher in a public school. The public schools are so full of people who desperately need to be shown the love of Christ. And somehow, for whatever reason, I feel that God is calling me to do just that. It's an incredibly humbling experience to know that I can somehow, as long as it is Jesus speaking through me, share His love with others and make a difference with my future students. It's such an exciting opportunity and I can't wait to see how I learn and grow this semester as a teacher.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Enjoying every moment

So I have been back to school now for over a week, and classes start tomorrow. This year has already been... well, better then words can say. I've learned a lot recently and have learned that God's timing is by far, better than our own. You may be praying and praying for God to relieve some situation or pain or sadness you're going through.. and sometimes it may feel as though He's not answering or listening. But HIS timing is perfect! There are things I've prayed for that seriously seemed to last forever... but I've come to see that if I hadn't experienced it for as long as I did, I wouldn't have learned as much!

This year has already been full of blessings. The people I live with are absolutely amazing. We are going to do a house bible study and I'm so excited. My goal is to get involved in a lot this year. I didn't do near as much last year as I now wish I had... like going to Kilter, soccer games, etc. I just want to enjoy it and spend it with as many people as possible and just enjoy every moment God's giving me here. I'm so excited to see what this year unfolds. What challenges I'm faced with and how I overcome them. How my relationship with God grows. How my relationships with people deepen. Learning to be the best teacher I can be and one that shows Christ to her students the best she can.

I'm so excited for this year.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

a cluster of emotions

That is what I'm feeling right now.

This has by FAR been the most incredible, blessing-filled, friendship based, encouraging summer I've had in my life.

So the fact that I'm leaving here in 6 short hours, is really hard. Harder than usual.

I'm excited to see friends, to get in a routine, to see where God takes me this year. But I hate the fact that I'm going to be missing everything going on here. God blessed me with some of the most Christ-centered friendships I've ever had; we've laughed together, cried together, prayed for and with each other... It's truly been wonderful.

With trials comes blessings, and I have seen this first hand. God is good. God has a purpose and plan and I've seen that so much this summer over these past couple months.

But now is a new chapter; senior year - student teaching, living in a house, helping to plan weddings, applying for teaching jobs, seeing where my parents will be (Arizona?) there's a lot of unknowns right now and it's starting to hit me. But I'm also trying to make sure that with those uncertainties that I stay grounded in my walk with the Lord. Because fear can SO easily slip into our lives when we are uncertain, and I don't want that to happen. I want to trust and have peace that my Father knows what He's doing with me and my life! And that these truly wonderful sisters that I have at home, will stay my sisters and our friendships will grow no matter where I am or what I do.

I am humbled and amazed at how big and loving my God is. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for me.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Inadequacy and unexpected blessings







This summer has been full of wonderful, unexpected blessings. I really needed this. And am so grateful to God for all He's done for me these last few weeks.

This week in particular was very special. From Monday-Thursday I went on a retreat with the middle schoolers I've been working with this summer. I had 2 girls the night before we left, both 6th graders, text me and ask if I could be the leader in their room. And I was. Each day started at 7:30am for breakfast and went non-stop til about 11:30 at night for bed! There was a climbing wall, a zip line, a "giant ladder and giant swing," archery, kickball, soccer, dodgeball, volleyball, 4 square, swimming, the list goes on! Needless to say it was a physically exhausting trip! While we were there we had 4 sessions together where we met to study the Bible together. Since we had 4 sessions and there are 4 chapters in Philippians, Andrew (the Middle School pastor) decided to study a chapter per session - and it was amazing. This age is SO crucial to have a solid foundation for your faith. The first night was just an intro to the week and the book of Philippians in general, so the girls in my room asked me that night if we could read Chapter 1 together and discuss it before we studied it more in depth the next day - 11 year olds!! :) I was so thrilled!!

Each day from lunch until dinner we had free time to do whatever. So Wednesday, our last day there, I wrote notes to the 2 girls that were in my room and just told them how much I have loved getting to know them, what blessings they have been to me, and encouraged to keep on seeking Christ in their lives. Well, I had no idea what the result of that would be. They read them as we were packing and getting ready for bed - and both of them completely broke down crying, because I am leaving them to go back to school in 10 short days. It was absolutely the saddest yet most unexpected part of the trip. I had no idea I had become so dear to them as they had become to me. I mean this was at least a half an hour of me trying to assure them that even though I may not be there physically, they can call me anytime, email me anytime, that I'll be sure to see them when I'm home, etc. These girls put their trust in me and came to love me just like I came to love them in these last couple months. I had no idea it would be so hard for them.

This job was kind of last minute and I had no idea if I'd get it or not. But all these little details kept working out so that it did! And I am so grateful. I knew I would enjoy this job a lot, but had no idea what God had in store. I felt so inadequate - all I knew was that I had leaders when I was younger who made tremendous impacts on me, and if I could impart a little knowledge and try to make some friendships with some kids, then that would be great!

These kids are dealing with a lot right now... middle school is just hard. But I was able to relate a lot to what they're going through. Lots of them go to public school so the world is right in their face at such a young age.

They get made fun of for their faith. Check.
They deal with temptations every day. Check.
They have friends who have hurt them. Check.
They want to show people the love of Christ, but it's hard, especially when you feel like you're the only Christian in your school. Check.

All these things I have dealt with at one point or another, and they know that. And I'm so glad that I was able to share my own experiences with them, and different lessons I've learned through those times. It has definitely been the most amazing and rewarding job I've ever had and I will never forget it. Or these beautiful girls I have come to love so much.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

65.

This is my 65th post since I started blogging back in October. (Thanks jill!) As I look back and see what I've written over this past year, allow feelings of this past year to resurface, and become reminded yet again, just what God has taught me, it encourages me to think about the future... some is a little nerve racking, because often when God tries to teach us things, He allows different pain or trials to come into our lives; but I see that it is only to draw us nearer to Himself. And if that be the result, than any pain or trial should be worth it.

The past few days I have been able to spend precious time with precious people, and it saddens me to think that I will be leaving them in a mere 13 days from now. These people have challenged me, prayed for me this year at school as well as this summer, and have been more like sisters to me than anyone! They all hold a special place in my heart, and whatever job or move that may be happening with my family in the near future, I have peace. Peace that these few sisters in Christ and I have a bond that will surpass any amount of distance that is put between us.

On another note, my friend from NYC came down yesterday and went to church! I can't even put into words how great it was to see him enjoy church so much and I just hope and continue to pray that He will one day make a decision to give his life over to Jesus.

And tomorrow, I am going on a 3 day retreat with the middle schoolers that I've been working with all summer! I can't wait to spend this quality time with these amazing girls. I have enjoyed this job so much, and leaving them too, will be difficult.

There is much to look forward to, much to be in prayer about, and much to rejoice in. This has been one of the best summers I've had in quite a while, and I am just so thankful for the people God has blessed me with. But I am also thankful for what God has been teaching me, how He has challenged me, and how He has shown me again and again that I need to rely on Him and Him alone. At church we ended the service with this song, and it really touched my heart. This is what I want my life to be. This is what we are here for.

Let your love flow through me
Let your love flow through me
Let your love flow through me
Jesus

Let your love flow through me
So that others may see
That You alone are God.

I hope and pray that others will see His love in me. That I would become less and He would become more. That I would rest in Christ alone. And that my life would be one of service to Jesus.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Friendship & Worship

I've been thinking alot about friendship lately and what it means to have a strong friendship. I just got to have 4 great days, spending time with one of my best friends and future roomie and it was just so easy. Friendship shouldn't have to be hard or forced. It just works. Sure you have to work at a friendship, but it's so nice when 2 people just click ya know? It's nice knowing that you have someone who is there for you no matter what, who knows and understands you, someone who can be honest with you. The thing that's tricky however, is not running to them before you've run to your Savior. It's so important that Christ remains our center and the first one we go to - the one who knows us way better than anyone else. Sometimes I find myself going to someone else when I'm sad or hurt or even really happy just cause I want a verbal response from someone. But God delights in us coming to Him! He delights in the fact that we want to spend time with him - that's amazing.

I'm preparing a bible study tomorrow - week 3 of our middle school girls' study and I decided on the topic of worship. We think so much today that worship simply means singing songs on Sunday morning. We even call it "worship" on Sunday... and yes, singing is a piece of it, but it's just that; a piece. it's not the definition of worship. Worship is living our lives in a way that is pleasing to God. Worship is surrendering all that we are to Him. Worship is saying, "God there are people and things in my life that I love, but Lord, if ANY of them take the place of my love for YOU, take it from me! For NOTHING deserves my love more than You!"

Wow.

I know I am so guilty of putting things/people above my love for God. And yet even though I do that, even though my priorities can be so messed up, God continuously loves and forgives.

It's really incredible in the fact that each time I've prayed for a topic in this weekly Bible study, God has given me something that as I'm literally speaking to these girls, the words coming out of my mouth are exactly what I myself need to hear.

Week 1: Trusting God - my dad doesn't have a job. WOW. talk about needing to trust God to provide for my family!!

Week 2: Prayer - I lack in this area so much and I desperately want to change that. My friend Leah told me this summer, "If we go through a whole day without talking to God, it's like saying, 'God, I can do this day with out you."

Yikes.

And week 3: Worship - remembering that my whole life needs to be an act of worship to my Father.

God is so great and is constantly teaching me. It's amazing to have a Father who knows me more than a friend or parent, who loves me more than anyone else ever could. And even though He knows me THAT well, He still desires my time, my prayers, my life.

What an awesome God.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Very soon...

My best is coming up from SC to stay with me Thursday to Monday!! It's a short visit but we are both so excited! Our schedules have been so crazy that we have only been able to talk on the phone a mere two times. (so not good enough!) But this long weekend we will get to see each other, relax, catch up on life, take pics, and she will get to see and understand another piece of me, because she will get to see my home, where I grew up; my life outside of Covenant College.

I'm so excited for this year to start. (as well as totally scared/nervous ha). This year is going to be way different than the last ones and I'm really looking forward to it.

Senior year.
Best friend in a house.
Soccer games.
Tennis lessons.
Lesson plans.
Children.
Inspiring.
Grading.
Writing.
Loving.
Listening.
Encouraging.
Teaching.
Growing.
Learning.

All these things are things that I am so looking forward to about this year. I'm going to savor every moment and try my best not to waste any time that I have left. I'm so ready to go...

...after this long weekend anyway ;)

Monday, June 22, 2009

"Broken & Beautiful"

And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

That's one of my favorite Christian songs - "broken & beautiful".

When you are broken, it is often difficult to think of that process as being a beautiful one. When you are broken, it is very hard to look to the masterpiece that the mess will soon become. People are afraid to be broken; it hurts to be broken. It's not a typically fun thing to go through. But it is necessary.

I've felt broken a lot at times. There have been some broken things in my life over college; broken friendships, broken dreams, broken plans at times. One of the hardest things to see though, is watching someone else go through that process; someone you love and care for. And you know that they have to experience it, and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

However. When the pain of the brokenness has been lifted, and you can look at your life and see how God has taken the broken pieces and created this beautiful piece of art that is your life, something more beautiful than you could have ever created on your own - it makes it all worth it; all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration.

To be broken, is to truly be beautiful in the eyes of God. Being willing to be broken before your Savior is showing God that you truly surrender all of yourself to Him to do as He pleases. It's showing Him that you trust Him with your life, and that you know that whatever He decides to take away, give you, whether it be joyful or painful, you know it will be for your good, and will utimately bring glory to Him.

See, Christ came to earth and he became broken for us. There is no better picture of "broken and beautiful" than the cross and the Savior who died upon it. He came down to earth, knowing that He would have be broken, and knowing that He would have to be broken because of our sins. Thank God that He chose to be broken for us. Thank God that He chose to let God bring Him that pain - so that we could have life with Him forever.

It may hurt to be broken; it may be hard to swallow our pride and allow God to do His work in us and to be completely surrendered... but when we take that brokenness and allow God to do what He wants with our lives and we give ourselves to Him... it's also incredibly beautiful, don't you think?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY (God's Chisel video - so good!)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Some habits are hard to break...

Some habits are just so hard to stop. Even when you know it's wrong, or you know there's no point to continue doing whatever it is you're doing.

For me, it's anxiety.

And I wish I knew why this is a struggle for me. I dealt with it a lot over the past year or so and every time i'd get anxious I'd try so hard to talk myself out of worrying. It's very hard though.

One thing though that has made me grateful about this struggle is that it causes me to call out to my Savior even more. When I'm worrying/anxious the very first thing I do is pray. Pray for God to calm my heart, pray for God to help me trust in Him, pray for God to help me understand that it's HIS timing and not my own.

Even though it's wrong to worry, and it's something that I need to try to overcome, in a way, it has been a bit of a blessing in that regard. Sometimes things look scary or bad or upsetting, but when you really look at what God is teaching you through it, or how He is using it to grow you, you can look back and see that it's not so bad after all; in fact, He has most likely given you that worry or struggle or fear to somehow bring you closer to Him.

And if that's the case... then whatever it is we are facing... is worth it.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

"I may not have all I need, but I know God is taking care of me"

That quote that you see in this title is a quote from a new friend that I made yesterday. Her name is sonya. You may not thing much of this quote, or feel that there is any reason to look at it at length or digest it.

However. There is something you must know about my new friend.

She is homeless.

Sonya is an older black woman in her late 50’s, maybe early 60’s, and she just smiles this smile where you know that her life has been touched by none other than our Savior, Jesus.

First, let me explain to you how I came about meeting her. For Fuel, our 18-24 yr old young adult group at church, there is a ministry called “Feeding5000.” It is a ministry started by a man named Jim at my church and the Lord just put it on his heart to reach out to the homeless in a city very close to us, Philadelphia. Each week, Jim makes 150 meals, pays for them out of pocket (which costs about 128 dollars each week) and goes in to Philly and hands out these meals.

This Saturday I decided, I wanted to go. I have always had a heart for homeless ministries and it always irked and just upset me whenever I would hear phrases like, “Homeless people are just drug addicted people” or, “the only reason one is homeless is because they’re irresponsible drug addicts or alcoholics.” Even when I was very young, I knew that there HAD to be homeless people that did not fit those stereotypical assumptions. And yesterday, that proved to be true.

When we got there, since Jim has been doing this every Saturday since July, there was already a line of about 75 people or so just waiting for the food we were about to give them which would probably be their only meal of the day, or even weekend. After passing out the food, we stayed in the park for about an hour, and passed out New Testaments and “Our Daily Bread” devotionals and were able to pray and just talk to these people. That’s what really stuck out to me… these are just people. Just like you and me, people, with names, with stories, with families. I met Sonya. I met Jim. I met a homeless veteran named Anthony. I saw a pregnant homeless person. I had to tell a mom and her three precious children that we had run out of food and watch the sadness in their eyes when they heard they were too late. Turning down food for those children was the hardest thing I had to do that day.

Ever since returning from Philadelphia yesterday, I cannot close my eyes without seeing their faces. It truly brought to light the verse that says, “Whatever you do for the least of these my brothers, you do unto me.”

Sometimes it can be so easy to judge, or to not care… ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ But being a part of the body of Christ, we can’t let this issue be that way. Because God DOES see, and he DOES mind that his children are without food and shelter. He DOES care. We serve a mighty God, a mighty God who loved us with a love that we cannot even begin to comprehend. And if we have accepted that love from Him, than we know that we are to pass on that same love to others.

And when you do, when you see someone in need and offer a listening ear, when you see someone hungry and in need of a meal, when you see someone who is alone and gently remind them their Savior is always with them… not only will God be smiling down on you, but you will be so blessed in return.

If you would like to find out how you can help this amazing ministry, please let me know, and I would be more than happy to help you in taking part in feeding God’s children of Philadelphia.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Undeserved Love.

Do you ever think and reflect on what God is doing and just well up with tears? Tears of gratefulness, tears of relief, tears of seeing how God is changing people? Or especially, tears of knowing that God has loved you so undeservedly, and blessed you beyond measure?

That's me right now.

I am just sitting, reflecting, looking back and looking at my life now and being filled with excitement for the future. Sometimes I just want to kick myself for what little faith I have in my awesome God. Going into this summer, I had no idea how I was going to make any income... it was driving me crazy. Nothing was coming together. That is, until I threw up my hands and completely 100% gave it to God. Now, I have a job as a youth intern and have been getting called like crazy to babysit.

After a year of only being able to ask God, "Why?" with tears of frustration because I couldn't understand why things were happening, I am now seeing and being reminded yet again, that God is faithful. God is providing for me. It's not our place to always know the will of God. All I know is, God is growing me and stretching me in so many wonderful, painful, and beautiful ways. It is so exciting.

This summer is going to be amazing. God has given me this wonderful opportunity to bring out 2 girls that I graduated with, to church and to our college group. (which was tonight) I am leading a small group at Fuel, (college group), helping with different childcare needs for the church, feeding the homeless in Philly and making prayer bracelets for prostitutes in Camden...the list goes on with how many people we at Fuel can help. It has been showing me that HERE is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Here. At home. With these people. Reaching out to this community. Not in Princeton where I so desperately wanted to be just a few short months ago. But right here.

God is providing. God is keeping His promises just like He said He would. God is changing hearts and lives, right here in Medford... and it is such an exciting thing to see, and all I can do, is sit back and thank the Lord for reminding me just how amazing my Savior truly is, and allowing me to be a part of what He's doing here these next few months.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I can't wait....

...until July 16th :) My best is coming to see me! it's only for 4 days and we have like 1,000 things we wanna do while she's here but we're excited!

also can't wait til I can say, "I've lost 20lbs!" (joined a gym and started dieting ha)

can't wait to go to the shore with Amanda and her family for 2 whole weeks!

Can't wait for a family reunion in PA (yeah I know I'm weird, I like family reunions ok?)



Lots to look forward to!!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Mold me

I have officially been home a week now (as of yesterday). And I am starting to see little reasons as to why I didn't get that 'dream' job with that autistic boy this summer. It has become so evident that this is where I am supposed to be during these next three months.

2 sweet girls who are new to church, have asked me and Katie if they could do a bible study with us. They are so eager to know more about this faith that we have - it makes me so excited! They are searching for truth and it is a beautiful thing to see. it's beautiful because they think the way to find satisfaction and this Truth that they are searching for, is in God. And they're right.

It's so easy to get frustrated by disappointments in life. So easy to lose your trust in God that He's working all things out for your good... especially when the things He's supposedly working out are painful. But then today when I was with these 2 girls and Katie, and we saw just how much they were glowing talking about this new concept of God, and church and faith, it just made me well up with excitement. Even when things are disappointing or upsetting, I can't forget that God is good, ALL the time! He will provide me with everything I need, and I can rest in that. I don't have to worry.

I am so excited to see the journey that God takes these girls on this summer, and me as well. I want my love for God to deepen, my heart for the lost to expand and my desire to know the Word grow. I am constantly amazed at what God is teaching me. I love the analogy of God being the potter and of us, His children, being the clay. Being poked and prodded and molded is painful sometimes. But what joy it must be for God to look up every now and then at His work and see how beautiful it is becoming. And that's the exciting thing - He won't be finished molding us and growing us until Christ comes back!

I heard an old song on the K-Love radio station yesterday, and these lyrics are what I want to live by this summer...

And I, I'm desperate for You. And I, I'm lost with You, Oh Lord.

I pray that I would live a life that shows that I am desperate to know my Jesus, that shows that I am completely lost without Him. Mold me however you want to, Lord. Just make me into the woman that You want me to be!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Home...

...finally!!

This is my third night at home. And I'm so glad to be back! I got to see little Amanda yesterday. I went on her bus to get her off and she looked at me, and then a big grin began to form on her face - and my heart just melted. She is a constant reminder that special education is what the Lord has called me to do in some way.

It's always a little weird coming home at first...I still feel like I'm going to go back in a week, back to the daily grind of papers, tests, late nights... but it's not the case! It hasn't really sunk in yet. I miss my friends but tomorrow I get to start seeing all my friends here that I haven't seen since either Spring break or Christmas! I just love being home. It's familiar. It's comfortable. It's full of people I know and love and miss terribly when I'm at school.

I've been reading since I got back...for FUN. I forgot how much I really loved reading...i haven't been able to read whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in such a long time! So i'm soaking it up :)

I'm so glad to be home... to just rest, relax, spend precious time with people who mean the world to me. I'm excited to see what God does this summer, what His plans are for me and what He wants me to do. (Whatever it is - I hope it includes having a job!!)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

joy, excitement, tears

The school year is almost done. One more final tmrw and I will officially be a senior in college...how did that happen?! I'm so excited for the summer and the near future. Next year with fall block, friends getting engaged, student teaching, thinking about applying for teaching jobs here in this area... so much to look forward to. EVERYTHING is up in the air, and normally I hate that, but it's also exciting just waiting and seeing where God's going to take me.

But tomorrow, the good-byes start. And that I am NOT looking forward to. Tomorrow is Katie, then the next few days more and more friends will start leaving. I've never been good with good-byes... it's so hard in college; you get used to seeing these people everyday. Your friends in college become literally like your family. They see you through everything. Good times, sad times, times of joy, or sadness, proud moments, disappointing moments. I have some of the greatest friends here. And I have been blessed beyond measure.

And I hate how one of those blessings is leaving tomorrow. :(

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Empty.

Cleaning Day is approaching. Tomorrow to be exact. My drawers and desk are packed. My shelves went from being stuffed with books to only a couple left that I need for my last 2 finals. I only have a week's worth of clothes left in my dresser. All the pictures on the walls have been taken down and are packed away.

Empty.

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love it in that finally, the tests/papers/projects/late nights with no sleep are done, I can be home with my family and friends that I'm never able to see throughout the year, it's warm and you can go to the beach, it's my favorite time of year.

But it's also my least favorite. I have to say good-bye to so many people. This year in particular, I have so many close friends who are graduating. I am more than happy for them, but sad for me, in that I won't have the priviledge of getting to see them each day. It's such a strange feeling. I don't think it has fully hit me yet what that means... but each day that gets closer, it becomes more of a reality for me.

I'm excited for the summer. But mostly right now, I am sad. There are many that I will miss...many that I have such wonderful memories with. I don't want to say good-bye. I hate that feeling. That knot in your stomach that just knows you're gonna have to do something soon that you don't want to do.

And now I'm a big crying mess. Guess it's time to end this one for now...

...and savor these last 7 days.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh, Changes

The end of the year is in sight. One paper to write left and then finals start next week. May 9, 2009. This is the day I have dreaded since making all my senior friends last year and the year before. Knowing in the back of my mind that they would be leaving me but pushing the thought away time and time again thinking that it would never get here. And yet, in 2 short weeks, they will be gone.

It's interesting to look back even after 3 years, and see how much I've changed; how much I've grown, how much my walk with God has been something that I have clung to in sad or difficult times. How much more real my faith seems. This year went by in a blink of an eye. Even though I won't be graduating, I know I will cry as I pack up my room, knowing that I will not return to the hall i've now lived on for 3 years of my life. Even though I am so ready for this next chapter, moving off campus, student teaching, only really having one more semester as a student... even though I'm ready for all those things. Saying good bye to the hall. Saying good bye to people who are graduating. These are things that I wish i didn't have to do. Part of me is scared. Scared that when they leave and we all have our own lives and we are separated that we won't talk as often, or we'll lose touch, or we'll just move on... I hope that doesn't happen especially with the friends who have been my backbone of support these last few years.

To my roommates... I love you both. Dearly. and i hope that that fact is evident to you. and i hope you know just how proud of you I am. you are blessings in my life and i will never forget to thank God for bringing me so much joy by allowing me to be a part of your lives.


I'm hoping to just live it up the last 2 weeks, take in all the moments, enjoy the last few days of 'dorm life' and just take time to sit back and reflect on all the blessings God has given me, especially in the friendships of those who are leaving.

Hard to believe that'll be me in just one more year.

Friday, April 10, 2009

And With His Stripes We Are Healed

So today has been a 'blah' day for the most part. I woke up around 10, got a LOT of work done (at this rate, i'll have nothing to do on monday!) and watched WAY too many episodes of the Office. Did some laundry. Wrote down all the assignments i'm hoping to get done over break. It was dreary outside. the clouds were so close it was like you could reach your hand out the window and touch them. Then the rain came. and POURED for a long time. we even were in a tornado warning for 45 minutes and almost had to go down to the basement. it was hard being stuck in the room all day, not a soul to talk to. But it was good too. Very productive.

Then I decided I really wanted to go to LMPC's Good Friday service. Words can't describe it. At least twice I was brought to tears either by what we were singing or what Scriptures we were reading. His death seemed so real to me in that moment. I felt so undeservedly loved.

The call to worship was actually the first time I got emotional. Joe Novenson (my pastor) opened with 2 bible passages. The first one is one of my favorite verses, "Be still and know that I am God." Until tonight, I didn't really grasp the true meaning of this verse. Joe said that in the original language, 'be still' didn't mean 'without motion' or to rest from the busyness of life. 'Be still' meant, 'give it up.' It doesn't mean just rest from all the craziness. It means 'give it up, and know that I am God.' Give me your worries and your doubts, your frustration and your hurt. Give it up. Remember who I Am. I am God! Trust me. Then he read a verse about being quiet in Isaiah. Quiet does not just mean the absence of noise. It meant 'rest.' The way Joe put these 2 verses just made my eyes well up with tears.

I'm not one who always wants to 'give it up' to God. I try everything in my power to fix things MY way before ever considering going to Him. I'm also one for not wanting to just sit. Be still. Rest. And this weekend with no one here is forcing me to do so. and it's good. Hard at times? Sure. Lonely at times? Sure. But so, so good. I have no distractions. No commitments to anything. No schedule to hang out with a million people. Just me and my Savior. For four days. At the most important time of the year.


Jesus died for me. I've heard that for as long as I can remember. But tonight, it was like I had heard it for the first time. Jesus died... for me.

And 'with His stripes, we are healed.'

Saturday, April 4, 2009

sleepless nights...

So, I'm laying here in bed...exhausted...and it's 2:39am. Still awake.

I hate these nights. Every now and then I go through these spurts of sleeplessness and let me tell you... it's awful! My mind tends to wander and once it starts thinking about whatever it is it is thinking about, it's sooo hard to make it stop. That's usually why I can't sleep. I just think, think, think. And yet it is a struggle just to keep my eyes open at the moment.


I'm tired of thinking. I just want to go to sleep.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Change, humility and beauty

So all day it seems, the topic of first impressions has come up. Different friends have been talking about what it was like when they first met the other; what they thought of them even when they didn't really know them, etc. It's interesting how you can be so wrong about someone because you haven't gotten a chance to know them. I remember one of my best friends from home, I thought she hated me in 9th and 10th grade... but it wasn't true! and then 2 years later, we became best friends!

I've been thinking alot too about how much has changed from this time last year... SO much. So many things in my life are not how I pictured they would be a year ago. Some of the things I wish weren't true... I wish they had stayed the same. But others are good things. I never thought I'd be this excited about teaching. I never thought I'd be living off campus my senior year! I never thought my grandmom would get cancer or that a dear neighbor and friend would be taken away. I never thought that staying in Chattanooga would be something I would ever consider... and yet I am. I never thought I would have rely on God so much for comfort and strength and peace as I have had to at certain points in this year. I never thought that I'd be having to say good-bye to so many amazing, wonderful friends on May 9, 2009.

Change has always been something that I have wanted to avoid... whether it be change in friendships, change in location, change in interest, change in ____. It has just always scared me. But I think God has used all this change in my life during the past year, to finally get it through my thick head that He is in control and has a wonderful plan for my life. And that through all the changes life brings... and there will be many I'm sure... He is the only constant. He is the One I can always count on to be the same faithful, loving, holy, sovereign Lord of my life. What a tremendous peace that brings me. It's like a huge weight is taken off my shoulders and I can breath again. I don't have to worry. I don't have to fear change. Because through all the changes that have happened in my life, whether good or bad, He has remained faithful! And He has remained constant.

Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in humility, to have everything secure taken away, to have a ton of questions with no answers, before we know what it's like to truly seek our Savior; before we truly understand what it means to follow and trust in Him. And as painful as it may be to be brought to that place of utter brokenness... that is when we truly grasp just how much we need Jesus.

That is when we see that only He can truly take those broken pieces of our lives, and make us whole. He can take those broken pieces and make something beautiful out of it.

I'm seeing each day how God is taking my brokenness and is using it to mold me into the woman of God that He wants me to be. Being molded and shaped and prodded is hard; sometimes it hurts. and sometimes when you're in it, when you're sad or confused or scared, you have no idea how anything good can come out of it. But that's why you give your sadness, confusion, and fear to the Creator. Because He will take those things of your life and use them to make a masterpiece; an amazing life in which you never expected could ever contain all those difficult things.

And that life, because it has been surrendered to Jesus, is truly beautiful.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I just don't understand...

I'm sitting here, about to write this blog, and fresh tears begin to fill my eyes yet again. My neighbor who has been fighting cancer for quite some time now, passed away last night and I found out about noon today. I still can't get my mind around it... she's actually gone. She leaves behind a husband and two sons. One of her sons has special needs. He is developmentally delayed and there is no way he will be able to understand what is happening. I can't imagine how lost he is going to feel without the one who has primarily been the one to take care of him. Feed him; change him; spend time with him; love him. My brother is friends with the older brother. I have known far too many people my age and younger who have had to lose a parent, and almost all of them have been to cancer.

What kills me the most, is that over break, Mom kept saying that I should go over and see how she was doing. But I was uncomfortable... I knew her for almost seven years, but I didn't know what I'd say or talk about if I just dropped by. I was so wrapped up in my own plans and seeing my friends, and to be honest, i didn't think she would die...not yet. Not so soon. So naturally, all I keep thinking about is that I wish I had gone over and seen her...

I don't want to cry anymore. This was just a bad week in general and I was so looking forward to relaxing and being productive this weekend... and then this. Mom wasn't even able to call me and tell me, she texted me about it... and I finally pulled myself together and Stewy walked in the room and asked what was wrong and then she prayed. She prayed for Lucy's family, she prayed for me, and I cried all over again.

Why does God do this? Why does He take away someone who is so loved, a mom to two young kids, a lady who I don't even know if she knew Christ or not... and it reminded me that next Friday is the birthday of my friend who passed away... classes are overwhelming... I might not get this summer job anymore... I feel like nothing is the way it's supposed to be right now. So many things have changed. So many questions left unanswered.

However. as hard as it is. to face things we dont want to face. to deal with death and loss and heartache and questions without answers... i still believe and trust that God is faithful. I still believe and trust that my Savior cares and has a plan. And i still believe and trust that no matter what trials we face, He is good all the time.

Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name
you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Every morning...

The Lord's mercies are new every morning. I am incredibly thankful for that. The Lord is good regardless of circumstances; regardless of stress levels; regardless of disappointments. He is good, period.


And every morning I wake up to a new day, I am blessed with new mercies from my Savior.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

the home stretch!

Well, the sun is shining, drawing everyone from their cold dorm rooms to the beautiful outside. People on the grass, on blankets, in hammocks, reading, listening to music, fellowshipping with one another enjoying God's creation. It's my favorite time of the school year. i love fall with the colors, and i love winter when we have snow... but spring, spring is my absolute favorite. The talk of summer plans is in conversations among friends, and everyone's counting down the days until the tests, the projects, the late night studying sessions are over. For me, I really try spending time with friends before summer gets here, and I don't see them for 3-4 months. I have been completely blessed with people God has plopped in my life. As much as I have to get done, and as easy as it is for me to sometimes freak out thinking about everything I have on my plate... I'm surprisingly calm, and trusting that I will get it all done. There's just something about the warm weather, the talk of summer, the fun times with friends at the end of the year that just makes me so happy.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Weather, Lyrics and happiness

So it's amazing how much weather affects my mood! Today was a beautiful day, the sun shining, perfect temperature, and so all I wanted to do was to be outside! It's funny how this weather makes me feel that I can conquer the world... I got done way more work than I thought I would. I just love springtime.

Then I was at starbucks (a second time today...) and listening to my ipod on shuffle and an old favorite praise song came on... my favorite part goes like this:
Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You.

I just love the words to that song. I want my one passion in this life that I'm living to be no thing and no one else but Jesus Christ my Savior. I want to run hard after Him, not just run to him when things are hard... but I want to constantly be running after Him, asking Him where He wants me, what His purpose is for me, what He wants me to do. I want nothing more than to follow God's will for me. There are so many things that I want to do, so many places I want to go... but I want no part of it if God doesn't want me there to do those things.

As much as I didn't want to come back to school... it really is so good being back. I can't believe how fast the semester is flying by. Before we know it Easter will be here, and then just 2 more weeks after that and finals will be here and it will be summer! It's a sad and happy thought... every time it seems like life is just flying by, it reminds me that I want to not get in a rut, I don't want to just live life wishing classes and homework away, but to really spend the time that I'm here to invest my life and love into other people. It's hard. But what an incredible blessing it is. These are the only 4 years of my life where I will be living with friends day in and day out. I don't want to look back and wish I could have done more. I don't want to get so much into routines and so much into myself that I end up not spending time with others. I don't want to live just an ordinary life. I want to live one that makes a difference and makes a difference for Christ. There's no better thing to strive for.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Coming Home



Me and Tinie (Justine)




Me and Katie

This break was SUCH a wonderful one... these 2 girls have been missed so much! (as they and everyone else always are when I'm at school haha) I'm pretty sure I just about cried when I saw them, haha! It was soooo good seeing them again! These girls are huge reasons as to why it's so hard for me to leave home! I'm definitely not wanting to leave and I just wish Covenant was in Medford so that I could go there while staying here :).
There's so many question marks in my life right now about several things...student teaching, jobs in the future, etc... yet it's amazing how coming home, things are the same. My relationship with these girls and Michelle, Lynda, and others have actually got stronger since moving away to school. Everytime I come home it's a huge blessing to hear what is going on in their lives, to take pictures, to hear how God is using them in awesome ways where they are at school. Home is familiar and comfortable and reassuring. I brought home books to do homework and I didn't even crack a book. Oops. But honestly I don't even care... my brain needed a break, it needed to not care about due dates and projects and books and midterms. And I'm so glad I can say that without stressing about all I'll have to do when I get back. It'll have been worth it to come home and relax and invest the short amount of days I had home into these people that mean the world to me. I love my friends at school and i'm excited to see them again of course... but at the same time, there's just something about coming home and going to my home church, about going to Lynda's and watching Amanda walk around the house, about going to Michelle's and pouring my heart out and vice versa, about looking outside to the place that I've called home for so long, that just makes my heart so full of joy.
Home is truly where the heart is... and my heart will always be in Medford, NJ.


Monday, March 9, 2009

big and little blessings

I was sitting at starbucks today waiting for a friend... I got there 20 minutes earlier than her. And I was sitting at a table, drink in hand, looking out the window... thinking, thinking, thinking. Looking outside, and seeing home. Sitting in the same starbucks I have been going to for 7 years. Hearing the same jazz music that I would never voluntarily listen to on my own. Thinking about all these things God's just placed in my lap. Opportunities I never dreamed of having. It's all kind of been a whirlwind break so far.

I talked to the mom today about the boy with autism for over an hour and Wednesday, mom and i are driving up to meet her, her husband, and 3 kids. Literally this is a DREAM come true if I get this job. I can't wait to see what God has in store.

I went and saw Amanda and her family today. Every time she looks at me and smiles, or walks to me and laughs as I catch her in my arms, I am reminded of why I want to go into special education. That little miracle has definitely stolen my heart.

All my friends who were such a mess over Christmas break are doing SO much better over this break, praise God. it's so good to see them with their joy again.

I am trying to enjoy every moment being home, especially with the possibility of this job and only being home on weekends during the summer. But I also have a lot more free time during the day time this break than I have before. Lots of time for thinking, praying, writing. It's good. I need this break. It's also hard. Hard, in that there's all these possibilities, or all these things that are up in the air, without a concrete answer. Am I going to get this job? Will I be able to student teach overseas? If I do get this job, will I still be able to go to the shore with Amanda and her family? I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing. But for once I am trusting that God cares for me, and I mean really trusting. In Luke 12, it talks about how God takes care of even the ravens and meets all their needs, so why do we not trust that He will do the same for us?

I'm a mixture of being anxious, excited, happy, scared, thoughtful, restful, and trusting. I am continually being reminded that my Savior cares for me, loves me, and am resting in the fact that I can trust in such a big and wonderful God.

And that is such a great feeling.

Friday, March 6, 2009

'Do not mistake God's silence for His absence.'

This is a quote from my pastor at school... and it has been such a wonderful one to constantly refer back to when it seems like God isn't listening.

I definitely have felt at times that God has been silent this semester... and that He just wasn't listening. I have been wanting so much to have reminders that He is faithful no matter what is going on around me. And the past 2 nights have been wonderful and exciting; God who is rich in mercy and love for me, has been reminding me that yes, He is faithful, even if things seem to be a mess!

Last night, we had the education dinner with all the juniors and seniors, as well as recruitors from ALL different schools from ALL over the world! I found out that you can actually do your second 9 week student teaching placement overseas... and me and a friend of mine both want to go to. . . ETHIOPIA! haha, i know, crazy! But I have always wanted to go to Africa for as long as I can remember. Not only would I get to student teach and live there for 9 weeks, but outside of school I could volunteer in orphanages, help AIDS victims, have Bible clubs with street children - um hello, right up my alley!

Then tonight, I got an email about this once in a lifetime opportunity to be a full time nanny to a precious little 3 year old boy recently diagnosed with autism. I am hoping to find out more about it on Monday and see if I can get this job! I mean, this is exactly what I would want to do! Full time experience on what it is like to be with a child who has special needs.

God is doing awesome things right now. And while not everything may make sense and not everything is a bed of roses all the time, He is still showing me that He is faithful - He knows the desires of my heart and is continuing to bless me, even though I have such little faith in Him. Our God is so awesome and I am continually learning what it means to truly follow after Him, to take up my cross daily and say, 'Lord, YOUR will be done. Not mine.' Those words are probably the hardest words we could pray, because it is showing God that He is free to do whatever it is HE wants, whether it's what you want or not! (not that He wouldn't do it anyway, but you get my point.) God has given me 2 amazing opportunites to serve Him in different ways, and I feel so ... honored. and just undeservingly blessed.

OH. and I'm home! Finally home after a long 2 months of school - sitting here in my own bed, in my town, with my friends, in the place I feel most myself and the most joy.

It's been a really great couple of days.

Friday, February 27, 2009

I need...

...to be home.

to see my family and my friends. I need to get away for a bit. I'm so tired. I talked to my best friend from home for an hour the other day and I just felt so much better... I miss her. I miss the comfort home brings along with the familiarity. People are texting me saying they can't wait til I'm home again. It's good to feel wanted like that. I miss my bed, and my dog, my parents, friends, and church. I need to recharge.


Just one week away. I love how break always come at just the right time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Running back to You

Do you ever hear a song that you've heard about 100 times, but suddenly, when you hear it again, it takes on a whole new meaning? That happened to me today... I was by myself and I heard a song by Shawn McDonald that I've heard before, and I've always liked it, but this time, I really listened to the words... and now it's all I want to listen to!

Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems

I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there

I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

He is sweet, He is sweet
What you're looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
What You're looking for
Is my sweet Lord...


I heard that song and just wanted to put it on repeat. I feel like I've been far away from God recently... I've been frustrated with Him to be quite honest. Like, do you ever pray and pray and pray and nothing seems to happen? It's like you feel that He's not listening... or that He'd rather be hearing anyone's prayers but yours.

And then today after talking to a dear friend of mine from home, I got mad at myself... for being frustrated with God. Who am I to be frustrated with Him? Of course He's hearing me and of course He knows what He's doing... but instead of being frustrated - He's wanting me to run to Him and say, "Lord, I trust You and Your timing, and Your will. Do with me what you want. You give, you take away, and no matter what I'm going through, I'm going to bless Your name." Well. Clearly I can't pray that prayer unless I ask for strength to pray it. and mean it.

And as I was just sitting in my car, listening to the words of this song... a peace came over me. and i wanted to just sit and pray and run back into the arms of my Father. There is nothing that I can desire besides God that won't let me down... I've felt all of those "have you ever's" at some point... I've wanted to pack it up and say good bye before, I've wanted to be someone else, I've wanted to reach my dreams (still do!)... all these things are things that I feel everyone feels at some point... but what you're looking for, what I'm looking for... is the love of my sweet Jesus.

This song was such a blessing to hear today. I love how music can hit you in ways that spoken or written words cannot. It was like, God was giving me a 'big hug' through this song, and He whispered, "It is I you want. It is I who will take care of you. It is I you can trust. My love for You is greater than any love you've ever known. I am yours, and you are Mine. Come back to Me... my arms are open wide."


God, I'm running back to You. I feel like I've been so distanced from You... help my unbelief. Help me to trust You all the time. Remind me your will is better then my own. Give me peace that only You can give, and help me to love you with all that I am and all that I have...always. For you are my Savior, the Lord of my life, and I never want to be without You. Help me to never take your love for granted, and to never forget what an amazing gift it is to be called your child. There is no greater title i could ever have then, "Daughter of God."

Replace my pride with a heart of humility and help me to wake up every morning and choose to follow You with all that I am. Thank You for loving me, for I am so undeserving to have a Father like You.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bring your thirsts, for he will quench them

Saturday night I didn't fall asleep til 6am... I had absolutely zero motivation to get up at 8 to go to church but for some reason I felt like I really had to go. So I got up and went and was praying that I wouldn't fall asleep during the sermon.

And I now have a new favorite hymn.

Come away from rush and hurry to the stillness of God's peace;
from our vain ambition's worry come to Christ to find release.
Come away from noise and clamor, life's demands and frenzied pace;
come to join the people gathered here to seek and find God's face.

In the pastures of God's goodness we lie down to rest our soul.
From the waters of God's mercy we drink deepy, are made whole.
At the table of God's presence all the saints are richly fed.
With the oil of God's annointing into service we are led.

Come, then children, with your burdens, life's confusions, fears and pain.
Leave them at the cross of Jesus; take instead His kingdom reign.
Bring your thirsts, for he will quench them, he alone will satisfy.
All our longings find attainment when to self we gladly die.

I have been reading the text of this song since church ending on Sunday... and I have been trying to wrap my brain about what it means to die to self... not only that but to do so gladly. I have to say I'm not so good at this. I'm not good at leaving things at the cross either. Or sometimes, I place my burdens at the cross and then decide to take them back and handle it on my own (STU-PID). My Jesus alone is what satisfies. My Jesus alone is the One who is always there and my Jesus alone is the One that heals, restores, strengthens, comforts, and loves like no one else. I have been clinging to the promises in this hymn this week... and the week is going pretty well! (Granted I know it's only the second day but still). Sometimes it's so easy to forget these promises that we've learned since we were 5 in Sunday School are still relevant and true as adults.

I want to die to self. And I want to do so gladly. I want to see that I can take my burdens or confusions or fears or doubts to the cross... and leave them there. What a precious and wonderful gift! Why is it so hard to let go though? ...Pride. Self-centeredness. A lack of humility. But I want my relationship with God to go deeper and farther then it ever has before. It's hard as a college student I think to know how to do that. How do I make time for God, classes, friends, alone time, homework and studying? etc. I'm not quite sure what that looks like but I'm taking baby steps and trying to figure it out.

An example of that, is that I started listening to Christian music again... I had gotten away from it for a while and today I listened to Shane & Shane and Bethany Dillion and I had forgotten how much this music inspires me. I was driving up the mountain alone just blaring the radio with a huge goofy smile on my face - it was wonderful!

This is a good yet crazy hectic semester... but I am determined to leave my cares and my anxieties about classes, family, stress, at the foot of the cross of Jesus. And pray that I leave them there. I am determined to get closer to my Savior and STOP making excuses as to why I can't read my Bible everyday, pray or journal everyday, etc. I am determined to have my thirsts quenched by the One who gave His life for me, so that I could live my life for Him.

I am determined to live my life in such a way that pleases Him... and leaves me to fall in love with my precious Jesus all over again.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Teaching

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." ~William Arthur Ward

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I feel that the Lord is calling me to be a teacher, and what that truly means. All my life I have wanted to be someone who makes a difference... even when I was little. I never really thought teaching was something God wanted me to do until I switched my major my sophomore year, and even then, I still had some doubts.

However, this semester is really getting into the practical side of teaching; the lesson planning, the state standards you have to follow, classroom management, etc. The one thing that has been drilled into our minds this far into the program is that the kids we teach, are kids that God has chosen to place in our care, for us to teach, nurture, and love them as He does. That's a big responsibility. And an awesome calling.

I want to teach in a school very unlike the ones I grew up in; schools in the inner city, schools with students who have difficult home lives, schools with diversity. (unlike my snobby rich white kids schools). Part of me doubts that I am cut out for this... and I know it is just Satan putting lies in my head, making me doubt myself, doubting the fact that I will be able to make a difference in the lives of those students in my classroom. But, I really think this is what God is calling me to do. Part of me is almost wondering if I will even be in a special education classroom. Maybe, God wants me in the regular classroom. If you had told me this a year, or to be honest even a month or so ago, I would have dismissed the idea right away. I am still planning on grad school for special education... but maybe God wants me to use my passion for special needs elsewhere, like helping start a special needs ministry in whatever church I end up at, but still teaching in a regular classroom the rest of the time.

It's so awesome to see God give us passions and desires. I may still end up in a special education room... but it's nice to know that I'm open to either one. I am really loving this semester. Sure there are still difficult things to deal with... aka - not sleeping well, lots of homework, etc. But what I'm gaining from classes, friendships, time with my Savior, is making this a great semester. I'm excited about the prospect of teaching, and where God is going to take me, what He is going to want me to do. And yes, there's some fear there too.

But how great is it, that as a Christian, I know that God has my best interest at heart, and I have peace that He will work everything out, so that I don't have to worry about it? Of course I still worry at times... I'm human. But, it's just such a wonderful gift to know Jesus. And I think as Christians we take that for granted, especially those of us who have grown up in the church. It is incredibly easy to become numb to people when they say things like, "God has a plan for you!" or, "Give it all to God, He'll take care of you!" But it's true!

I want to rejoice in that, I want to revel in the fact that my God is going to meet all my needs, He's going to show me where He wants me, and He's going to use me however He sees fit.

I'm excited to be a teacher... and I hope that by the grace of God, I'll be a great one.

Friday, February 13, 2009

tired

I've been wanting to blog for a while...and now that I have the time, the words just won't form. I hate it when that happens.

I'm really tired.

I want my bed at home. I'm ready for a break... the work is piling up... I haven't had a good night's sleep in about a week.

I miss my friends.

I miss my family.

And my dog.

I'm ready to be done school and be a teacher now.

I'm tired of not knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing. I wish we could just know how things will turn out. But I guess that's why they call it faith.

Well I'm off to bake cookies.

Will write more later.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

21*


So... I turned 21 on Monday... and can I just say that I have the best friends in the world? cause i do.


My 3 most favorite people at Covenant took me on a surprise picnic in Coolidge park (one of my favorite places), they brought blankets, dishes, we bought subway sandwiches (another favorite!) fruit, cups and lemonade mix, they made me brownies (favorite dessert!), ranch doritos....(you guessed it - my favorite chips!) and basically made me feel super special.


I have realized how important friendships are, the value of being honest, and the blessing of having people in your life that you can turn to no matter what, and who love you regardless. I have grown a lot this year. And these 3 girls have been there to encourage me, help me, pray for me, listen to me, the list goes on and on. I hope you girls know just how much I love you. Thank you for making my 21st birthday so wonderful...


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Joy

Joy... that is what I have felt this week.

For some reason, I have just felt so happy and so full of joy this week. I had felt happy... but not joyful (there is a difference) since I was home over break... but finally this week, my joy has come back. I feel like I am learning so much and God is just teaching me continuously. I have come to the realization that there are just things that I cannot change no matter what. Period. And I have come to learn and accept that and move on. And it's ok! Are things always the way I want them to be? Psh. Of course not. That's the result of living in a broken world.

But I think the reason my joy has come back... is because I finally stopped filling my mind with things that I couldn't change... and instead, have been spending time each morning with the Lord through reading the Bible and praying before classes. And I'm telling you... what a difference that makes. My whole mindset is set on Him throughout the day, not on me and my worries or disappointments or even my homesickness. (Is that a word?? ha) God has provided me with so many people and blessings that my heart is just... full.

Last semester was my hardest semester... and yet this semester, even though I have the biggest course load, has been so wonderful. I love my classes, my friends, spending more time with my Savior... and finally, finally surrendering everything to Him. and saying, "Your will be done." and I mean it. Because as someone once told me... "There is no better place to be than in the center of God's will." It can be sooo hard to believe that especially when you're in an uncomfortable, and difficult place. But it's true. The things God teaches you are worth it, even if getting to that realization takes a lot of tears and questions. It's so worth it. God has shown me so much this year; selflessness being a constant theme. And wow... that is definitely a hard thing to be taught... and trust me, I'm still learning. I was so stubborn at first. But God is day by day, taking the mess that I am and the part of me that wants to focus on myself and my wants... and is teaching me how to be selfless; the way He Himself was that way when He came to earth. He came to serve... He came to LOVE... even if He didn't get that love in return... I mean, He loved the ones that put Him to death! I can't imagine...

The Christian walk is definitely a roller coaster ride. Parts of it are fun and exciting and you know what's going to happen next... and then all of a sudden you get thrown a curve, or you end up going upside down and experiencing something totally unexpected, and you have no idea what's next... and all you can do is trust. But what a wonderful ride it is.

And it's one that I am so glad to be on.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Little Reminders

The past 3 days or so I have finally not been wishing I was home. Instead, God has given me little reminders that I am supposed to be here at school. and has shown me that He knows my pains and struggles, but sends me either people or things that remind me that He is there, and that He cares for me. Here are some things that happened within the past 3 days.

Starbucks with a friend... It was so wonderful getting off campus with them and just talking about life, and God and friendship. When we went we were planning on doing "homework." I'm pretty sure I read about a paragraph, and that was the end of that! And it was so worth it. I'm a pretty much a huge fan of my roommate and her friendship is something that God has used in so many ways... and I am grateful for all of them.

A new friendship that has just totally blossomed... Katie Mac. Today we went to Barnes & Noble and started working on our bibliographies. We are both education majors and we were sitting in the kids' section working on a project and we just talked about how excited we are for next year, student teaching, and just the fact that God has called us to be teachers is such a daunting yet unbelievable calling. It was just so much fun sharing our excitement with each other.

Yesterday I found out my grandmom might have cancer, my great grandma is on her deathbed after a heartattack and my parents can no longer come for parent weekend/my birthday. and yesterday i just cried. No one was in the room and honestly I didn't want anyone to be in the room... except for 2 girls. And as soon as they saw my text, they came to the room, and did exactly what they know I need/want when I'm upset. A hug, quiet, to talk if i want to. And they were there for just that. There is much about home that I miss, but this was just another reminder that God knows the desires of my heart, and so He gave me 2 wonderful friends who are there for me and love me. And again, I am so grateful.

It's so nice to know, and be reminded, that even when life gets a bit overwhelming, that our Father knows and loves us and reminds us that He is there. and that He cares.

And I am so glad He does. He has reminded me abundantly these past few days that He loves me. I am beyond blessed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Coming "home"...

So this past week I have finally gotten back to putting my priorities in order... I have started reading my Bible every morning. And last week I read through Galatians. I have never read through this book before. It's a short book of a mere 6 chapters. However, the content in this book was something that I definitely needed to read and apply to my life. The whole book, Paul is pleading with the Galatians to realize that they no longer are forced to live under the law. They have been "crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me." (Gal 2:20). These people are so worried about not keeping the law that they have forgotten that God's grace has been poured out on them that they now don't need to worry about 'doing enough good.' They don't have to hold these ridiculously high standards for themselves; they don't have the pressure of doing everything right. They are free. Because Christ has freed them through His death and ressurection.

Wow.

This was such a good book for me to read. To be reminded of God's grace to me. I don't have to "be good enough" or "be kind enough" or "do everything right for every person and problem. It's such a freeing thing. Now I'm not saying that that means we are to just not care about doing good; of course we are. but the pressure to do everything right is no longer there. We have Christ. Period.

Coming back to school after such a wonderful break was initially very difficult for me... for different reasons. However, finally coming back to my "first love" and putting my all into my relationship with Him has been quite the blessing that I've needed. and wanted. and have been desiring. Coming back to Christ and letting Him be my first and most important priority is such an amazing feeling. It's truly like coming home.

And it's so good to be back.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

ha soo just kidding ;)

so. about 3 minutes after i posted the previous post. God in His perfect timing allowed a friend of mine to tell me that she needs 2 more roommates for a house that Katie and I had already looked at and LOVED! Woohoo!

YAY! I'm sooo happy/excited and am really hoping that it works out! Thank you God, for blessing me, and Lord, help my unbelief.

so tired...

I'm just gonna vent here for a minute...

I'm tired of being disappointed

I'm tired of having expectations fail

I'm tired of having to watch things change and not be able to do anything about it

I'm tired of feeling unwanted

and I'm tired of crying about all of the above.

I'm trusting God... and I know He will provide. He did when I was in a similiar situation last year and has never failed me yet. So I know He is good and in control. And I know He will give me strength for the semester. And I know He doesn't give me more than I can handle... but I just really wish He didn't trust me so much.

Last semester was just... ROUGH. and i just really wanted to start fresh coming back into the new semester. Yet here I am being thrown another situation where now my housing has fallen apart for next year. No one i know still needs housing. All my friends are leaving, and I was getting so excited about living with these 3 awesome girls, and now 2 of them can't.

You ever just want to ask God, "Why?"

That's really all I can think to ask Him right now.