I just don't understand...

I'm sitting here, about to write this blog, and fresh tears begin to fill my eyes yet again. My neighbor who has been fighting cancer for quite some time now, passed away last night and I found out about noon today. I still can't get my mind around it... she's actually gone. She leaves behind a husband and two sons. One of her sons has special needs. He is developmentally delayed and there is no way he will be able to understand what is happening. I can't imagine how lost he is going to feel without the one who has primarily been the one to take care of him. Feed him; change him; spend time with him; love him. My brother is friends with the older brother. I have known far too many people my age and younger who have had to lose a parent, and almost all of them have been to cancer.

What kills me the most, is that over break, Mom kept saying that I should go over and see how she was doing. But I was uncomfortable... I knew her for almost seven years, but I didn't know what I'd say or talk about if I just dropped by. I was so wrapped up in my own plans and seeing my friends, and to be honest, i didn't think she would die...not yet. Not so soon. So naturally, all I keep thinking about is that I wish I had gone over and seen her...

I don't want to cry anymore. This was just a bad week in general and I was so looking forward to relaxing and being productive this weekend... and then this. Mom wasn't even able to call me and tell me, she texted me about it... and I finally pulled myself together and Stewy walked in the room and asked what was wrong and then she prayed. She prayed for Lucy's family, she prayed for me, and I cried all over again.

Why does God do this? Why does He take away someone who is so loved, a mom to two young kids, a lady who I don't even know if she knew Christ or not... and it reminded me that next Friday is the birthday of my friend who passed away... classes are overwhelming... I might not get this summer job anymore... I feel like nothing is the way it's supposed to be right now. So many things have changed. So many questions left unanswered.

However. as hard as it is. to face things we dont want to face. to deal with death and loss and heartache and questions without answers... i still believe and trust that God is faithful. I still believe and trust that my Savior cares and has a plan. And i still believe and trust that no matter what trials we face, He is good all the time.

Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name
you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name...