Heartache, Healing and Reflections

I have had the urge to write for the past week now but everytime I finally make it to bed I'm way too exhausted to think!

My lunch plans have been canceled so I actually have time to sit. and be still. and hear nothing but quiet. It is wonderful.

This has been the most amazing and needed break ever. I have been busy yes, but it has given me time to think and reflect; reflect on the past semester, pray about how I want this one to be different, and to think about how blessed I am.

God has really amazed me in how He knows exactly what we need and even what we want. He knows the desires of our heart, and sometimes He allows those desires to become real. Over the break I have had two friends who have been going through a lot of heartache talk to me about what's been going on in their lives. One has a dysfunctional family, isn't sure where God is leading her and her best friend is on the mission field for 6 months. Her heart is hurting. and she opened up to me the other night and allowed me to comfort her. Another friend is much older than I, but we are great friends nonetheless. and she told me that her depression was worse than I thought. She feels like a failure - she expects herself to be nothing less then perfect. Growing up Catholic, she has a very hard time remembering and understanding God's grace. And so when she lets people down, she feels like she's failed. I do the same thing sometimes. I feel like if people don't want to come to me then I must have failed them in some way. It's ridiculous I know. But God allowed me to comfort this woman with words that I too needed to hear. And I think I'm starting to get it. I wrote this to her when I was on the plane coming back home from a wedding.

I am not a failure.
When I let people down, it doesn't mean I've failed them. It means I can't BE all TO all. That's God's job.
When I am depressed, it doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means I live in a sinful world where there is pain.
When I'm not devoted to my daily quiet times, it doesn't mean I've failed God, for God knew I would let Him down, yet He saved me anyway.

No, I am not a failure.

For in God's eyes, I am His beautiful creation
In God's eyes, I am His beloved daughter
In God's eyes, I am the reason He sent His son to die.
When God looks at me through His eyes, He sees the reflection of Jesus Christ.

In God's eyes...I am anything but a failure.

I'm pretty sure God wanted me to write this not only for my friend but for myself as well. It's so easy sometimes to know that this is true for other people... but to read it and know that it's true for yourself as well is sometimes harder.

But healing I've learned is a process. Seeing these friends of mine with problems and difficulties way bigger than my own has shown me that problems can't always be 'fixed' overnight. Sometimes healing has to take place, and a lot of times, it's a process. But the more open we are to receiving God's healing and allowing Him to make changes in us, the better.

Being home has been exactly what I need. I'm still not ready to go back to school... but I'm ready for whatever God has in store for me. Part of the reason I don't want to go back, besides having to take 20 credits (ah) is that, for the people closest to me, this is their last semester. that is something that I am so not ready to face. Next year is going to be SO different without these people here... senior year without your best friends... the ones you've turned to, cried to, asked for prayer from... for the past 1 or 2 years. that is going to be quite difficult.

However.

You ever meet someone and you just know that no matter what, you are always going to be friends? No matter how long it is since you saw them last, or how long it's been so you've talked... you just know that these people will always be a very special and integral part of your life?

I am glad to say that I have a couple very special people like that in my life that God has blessed me with. And as hard as it will be without them here next year... I do have comfort in the fact that our friendships are not ending. And that is a good feeling.


So all in all it has been a wonderful break after a challenging semester. God is constantly showing me His goodness and faithfulness and I am repeatedly blown away at how much He loves me. He has filled my heart with joy that I feel I am just overflowing.

God is good all the time.
All the time, God is good.