Joy

Joy... that is what I have felt this week.

For some reason, I have just felt so happy and so full of joy this week. I had felt happy... but not joyful (there is a difference) since I was home over break... but finally this week, my joy has come back. I feel like I am learning so much and God is just teaching me continuously. I have come to the realization that there are just things that I cannot change no matter what. Period. And I have come to learn and accept that and move on. And it's ok! Are things always the way I want them to be? Psh. Of course not. That's the result of living in a broken world.

But I think the reason my joy has come back... is because I finally stopped filling my mind with things that I couldn't change... and instead, have been spending time each morning with the Lord through reading the Bible and praying before classes. And I'm telling you... what a difference that makes. My whole mindset is set on Him throughout the day, not on me and my worries or disappointments or even my homesickness. (Is that a word?? ha) God has provided me with so many people and blessings that my heart is just... full.

Last semester was my hardest semester... and yet this semester, even though I have the biggest course load, has been so wonderful. I love my classes, my friends, spending more time with my Savior... and finally, finally surrendering everything to Him. and saying, "Your will be done." and I mean it. Because as someone once told me... "There is no better place to be than in the center of God's will." It can be sooo hard to believe that especially when you're in an uncomfortable, and difficult place. But it's true. The things God teaches you are worth it, even if getting to that realization takes a lot of tears and questions. It's so worth it. God has shown me so much this year; selflessness being a constant theme. And wow... that is definitely a hard thing to be taught... and trust me, I'm still learning. I was so stubborn at first. But God is day by day, taking the mess that I am and the part of me that wants to focus on myself and my wants... and is teaching me how to be selfless; the way He Himself was that way when He came to earth. He came to serve... He came to LOVE... even if He didn't get that love in return... I mean, He loved the ones that put Him to death! I can't imagine...

The Christian walk is definitely a roller coaster ride. Parts of it are fun and exciting and you know what's going to happen next... and then all of a sudden you get thrown a curve, or you end up going upside down and experiencing something totally unexpected, and you have no idea what's next... and all you can do is trust. But what a wonderful ride it is.

And it's one that I am so glad to be on.

Little Reminders

The past 3 days or so I have finally not been wishing I was home. Instead, God has given me little reminders that I am supposed to be here at school. and has shown me that He knows my pains and struggles, but sends me either people or things that remind me that He is there, and that He cares for me. Here are some things that happened within the past 3 days.

Starbucks with a friend... It was so wonderful getting off campus with them and just talking about life, and God and friendship. When we went we were planning on doing "homework." I'm pretty sure I read about a paragraph, and that was the end of that! And it was so worth it. I'm a pretty much a huge fan of my roommate and her friendship is something that God has used in so many ways... and I am grateful for all of them.

A new friendship that has just totally blossomed... Katie Mac. Today we went to Barnes & Noble and started working on our bibliographies. We are both education majors and we were sitting in the kids' section working on a project and we just talked about how excited we are for next year, student teaching, and just the fact that God has called us to be teachers is such a daunting yet unbelievable calling. It was just so much fun sharing our excitement with each other.

Yesterday I found out my grandmom might have cancer, my great grandma is on her deathbed after a heartattack and my parents can no longer come for parent weekend/my birthday. and yesterday i just cried. No one was in the room and honestly I didn't want anyone to be in the room... except for 2 girls. And as soon as they saw my text, they came to the room, and did exactly what they know I need/want when I'm upset. A hug, quiet, to talk if i want to. And they were there for just that. There is much about home that I miss, but this was just another reminder that God knows the desires of my heart, and so He gave me 2 wonderful friends who are there for me and love me. And again, I am so grateful.

It's so nice to know, and be reminded, that even when life gets a bit overwhelming, that our Father knows and loves us and reminds us that He is there. and that He cares.

And I am so glad He does. He has reminded me abundantly these past few days that He loves me. I am beyond blessed.

Coming "home"...

So this past week I have finally gotten back to putting my priorities in order... I have started reading my Bible every morning. And last week I read through Galatians. I have never read through this book before. It's a short book of a mere 6 chapters. However, the content in this book was something that I definitely needed to read and apply to my life. The whole book, Paul is pleading with the Galatians to realize that they no longer are forced to live under the law. They have been "crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me." (Gal 2:20). These people are so worried about not keeping the law that they have forgotten that God's grace has been poured out on them that they now don't need to worry about 'doing enough good.' They don't have to hold these ridiculously high standards for themselves; they don't have the pressure of doing everything right. They are free. Because Christ has freed them through His death and ressurection.

Wow.

This was such a good book for me to read. To be reminded of God's grace to me. I don't have to "be good enough" or "be kind enough" or "do everything right for every person and problem. It's such a freeing thing. Now I'm not saying that that means we are to just not care about doing good; of course we are. but the pressure to do everything right is no longer there. We have Christ. Period.

Coming back to school after such a wonderful break was initially very difficult for me... for different reasons. However, finally coming back to my "first love" and putting my all into my relationship with Him has been quite the blessing that I've needed. and wanted. and have been desiring. Coming back to Christ and letting Him be my first and most important priority is such an amazing feeling. It's truly like coming home.

And it's so good to be back.

ha soo just kidding ;)

so. about 3 minutes after i posted the previous post. God in His perfect timing allowed a friend of mine to tell me that she needs 2 more roommates for a house that Katie and I had already looked at and LOVED! Woohoo!

YAY! I'm sooo happy/excited and am really hoping that it works out! Thank you God, for blessing me, and Lord, help my unbelief.

so tired...

I'm just gonna vent here for a minute...

I'm tired of being disappointed

I'm tired of having expectations fail

I'm tired of having to watch things change and not be able to do anything about it

I'm tired of feeling unwanted

and I'm tired of crying about all of the above.

I'm trusting God... and I know He will provide. He did when I was in a similiar situation last year and has never failed me yet. So I know He is good and in control. And I know He will give me strength for the semester. And I know He doesn't give me more than I can handle... but I just really wish He didn't trust me so much.

Last semester was just... ROUGH. and i just really wanted to start fresh coming back into the new semester. Yet here I am being thrown another situation where now my housing has fallen apart for next year. No one i know still needs housing. All my friends are leaving, and I was getting so excited about living with these 3 awesome girls, and now 2 of them can't.

You ever just want to ask God, "Why?"

That's really all I can think to ask Him right now.

so...

...i don't want to be back. I want to be at home still. I love home and my friends...break wasn't long enough.

ah

Do you ever feel like you're making progress but then suddenly fear creeps in and makes you second guess yourself? It's really annoying!

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better with things, and I know I am... i just have to not let fear come in and take over... or not forget everything I've learned. even though the lessons have been hard recently, I can't forget them. They are needed and important.

I don't want to go back to school. And I feel kinda bad for not wanting to go back... I feel like now that it's been 3 weeks I should be ready! But, everytime I come home, I am just so happy. And my friendships with Michelle and Lynda and others have just grown so much. We hang out every night, me and Michelle... we're not sick of each other, it's just the 2 of us, hanging out, eating, sharing our struggles and joys with each other. Reminding the other that God is faithful when they have forgotten. I think when I'm at home God has put people in my life and He has used me in ways that show me that I can make a difference. I love that. It's really cool to see that God is using you to bring joy to other people. Also, when I'm home I don't have a thousand papers and tests to study for. I can just sit. and talk. Not worry about what's due the next day.

I don't know...I just love being home.

Can't break just be a little bit longer?

My Prayer...

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
-Brandon Heath :Give me your eyes


This is my prayer... to have a love for the broken hearted; for the ones that are forgotten... I heard this song and was just like, "Yes! This is my prayer!"

This is how I want to love. I want to see His children through His eyes and love as He loves. I've seen so many people over this break who are hurting. and I just pray that somehow God will use me to help them in some way; notice I said help, not take their pain away, or try to be superwoman and put it on myself to make them happy again... but to show His love to them and remind them of just how great their Savior is, to walk with them through these times and just be a friend...

That is my prayer.

The Best Gift...

I'm utterly exhausted so this is going to just be a quick little thought.

But I think one of the greatest gifts we can give as Christians to one another... is coming before the Lord in prayer while you're with that person. I prayed for someone tonight as she was just pouring her heart out to me... and then later on in the night she asked how she could pray for me with school coming up this next semester... and she did just then. A lot of times I feel that I am praying for other people, which don't get me wrong, i love! But I hadn't really been prayed for like that in... well, a really long time. We had all these intentions of watching movies, just hanging out for the night, relaxing. But it ended up that for the first 2 hours we just talked about everything going on in our lives, talked about God and struggles and fears and just had a really good heart to heart, followed by prayer. I think that is one of the greatest ways to show love. I mean, what better gift can you give someone than by showing them your love and concern that you are willing to pray for them out loud to Jesus?

I just think it's great. I love it when friendships grow deeper like that where you begin to share more with that person and pray together.

My heart is happy.

Why, God?

What an emotional weekend…

The beginning of this break, I hear that a friend of mine’s mom passes away.

Then this weekend, one day I hear a friend’s brother died, and the next day, a very special friend’s sister… both due to alcohol. Both not Christians.

Today, I saw this girl that I have worked with in our special needs ministry. She’s the one whose brother died. They were extremely close. She just got married 2 weeks ago and shes’ only 2 or 3 years older than me. She sat in front of me, in the first row at church today. Her one hand was in the air, and her other hand around her husband, and she was just balling. She couldn’t sing because of the tears, but she was praising God with her hand lifted high.

Why, God?

Yesterday I see my small group leader at church after helping in the nursery. She comes over and gives me a hug and I ask her how she is…. No answer. When she lets go, she has tears in her eyes and goes, “my sister died last night. She drank herself to death. She was an alcoholic. She wasn’t a Christian.”

Why, God?

It seems as though everyone I know and am close to has things in their lives that are just so hard, things that I can’t even begin to imagine how painful they must be. Why is God allowing this?

I know that God is good and I believe He has a sovereign plan for us. But sometimes, the hurt is so great and we’re so confused by our circumstances that “Why, God?” is the only thing we know how to say.

All of my heart wishes I could take the pain away from these dear people to me. But I know I can’t… so as I sit here, with tears coming down my face, I will pray. I will pray so hard and believe that God has the power to comfort His children even in times such as these.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Heartache, Healing and Reflections

I have had the urge to write for the past week now but everytime I finally make it to bed I'm way too exhausted to think!

My lunch plans have been canceled so I actually have time to sit. and be still. and hear nothing but quiet. It is wonderful.

This has been the most amazing and needed break ever. I have been busy yes, but it has given me time to think and reflect; reflect on the past semester, pray about how I want this one to be different, and to think about how blessed I am.

God has really amazed me in how He knows exactly what we need and even what we want. He knows the desires of our heart, and sometimes He allows those desires to become real. Over the break I have had two friends who have been going through a lot of heartache talk to me about what's been going on in their lives. One has a dysfunctional family, isn't sure where God is leading her and her best friend is on the mission field for 6 months. Her heart is hurting. and she opened up to me the other night and allowed me to comfort her. Another friend is much older than I, but we are great friends nonetheless. and she told me that her depression was worse than I thought. She feels like a failure - she expects herself to be nothing less then perfect. Growing up Catholic, she has a very hard time remembering and understanding God's grace. And so when she lets people down, she feels like she's failed. I do the same thing sometimes. I feel like if people don't want to come to me then I must have failed them in some way. It's ridiculous I know. But God allowed me to comfort this woman with words that I too needed to hear. And I think I'm starting to get it. I wrote this to her when I was on the plane coming back home from a wedding.

I am not a failure.
When I let people down, it doesn't mean I've failed them. It means I can't BE all TO all. That's God's job.
When I am depressed, it doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means I live in a sinful world where there is pain.
When I'm not devoted to my daily quiet times, it doesn't mean I've failed God, for God knew I would let Him down, yet He saved me anyway.

No, I am not a failure.

For in God's eyes, I am His beautiful creation
In God's eyes, I am His beloved daughter
In God's eyes, I am the reason He sent His son to die.
When God looks at me through His eyes, He sees the reflection of Jesus Christ.

In God's eyes...I am anything but a failure.

I'm pretty sure God wanted me to write this not only for my friend but for myself as well. It's so easy sometimes to know that this is true for other people... but to read it and know that it's true for yourself as well is sometimes harder.

But healing I've learned is a process. Seeing these friends of mine with problems and difficulties way bigger than my own has shown me that problems can't always be 'fixed' overnight. Sometimes healing has to take place, and a lot of times, it's a process. But the more open we are to receiving God's healing and allowing Him to make changes in us, the better.

Being home has been exactly what I need. I'm still not ready to go back to school... but I'm ready for whatever God has in store for me. Part of the reason I don't want to go back, besides having to take 20 credits (ah) is that, for the people closest to me, this is their last semester. that is something that I am so not ready to face. Next year is going to be SO different without these people here... senior year without your best friends... the ones you've turned to, cried to, asked for prayer from... for the past 1 or 2 years. that is going to be quite difficult.

However.

You ever meet someone and you just know that no matter what, you are always going to be friends? No matter how long it is since you saw them last, or how long it's been so you've talked... you just know that these people will always be a very special and integral part of your life?

I am glad to say that I have a couple very special people like that in my life that God has blessed me with. And as hard as it will be without them here next year... I do have comfort in the fact that our friendships are not ending. And that is a good feeling.


So all in all it has been a wonderful break after a challenging semester. God is constantly showing me His goodness and faithfulness and I am repeatedly blown away at how much He loves me. He has filled my heart with joy that I feel I am just overflowing.

God is good all the time.
All the time, God is good.