I just don't understand...

I'm sitting here, about to write this blog, and fresh tears begin to fill my eyes yet again. My neighbor who has been fighting cancer for quite some time now, passed away last night and I found out about noon today. I still can't get my mind around it... she's actually gone. She leaves behind a husband and two sons. One of her sons has special needs. He is developmentally delayed and there is no way he will be able to understand what is happening. I can't imagine how lost he is going to feel without the one who has primarily been the one to take care of him. Feed him; change him; spend time with him; love him. My brother is friends with the older brother. I have known far too many people my age and younger who have had to lose a parent, and almost all of them have been to cancer.

What kills me the most, is that over break, Mom kept saying that I should go over and see how she was doing. But I was uncomfortable... I knew her for almost seven years, but I didn't know what I'd say or talk about if I just dropped by. I was so wrapped up in my own plans and seeing my friends, and to be honest, i didn't think she would die...not yet. Not so soon. So naturally, all I keep thinking about is that I wish I had gone over and seen her...

I don't want to cry anymore. This was just a bad week in general and I was so looking forward to relaxing and being productive this weekend... and then this. Mom wasn't even able to call me and tell me, she texted me about it... and I finally pulled myself together and Stewy walked in the room and asked what was wrong and then she prayed. She prayed for Lucy's family, she prayed for me, and I cried all over again.

Why does God do this? Why does He take away someone who is so loved, a mom to two young kids, a lady who I don't even know if she knew Christ or not... and it reminded me that next Friday is the birthday of my friend who passed away... classes are overwhelming... I might not get this summer job anymore... I feel like nothing is the way it's supposed to be right now. So many things have changed. So many questions left unanswered.

However. as hard as it is. to face things we dont want to face. to deal with death and loss and heartache and questions without answers... i still believe and trust that God is faithful. I still believe and trust that my Savior cares and has a plan. And i still believe and trust that no matter what trials we face, He is good all the time.

Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name
you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name...

Every morning...

The Lord's mercies are new every morning. I am incredibly thankful for that. The Lord is good regardless of circumstances; regardless of stress levels; regardless of disappointments. He is good, period.


And every morning I wake up to a new day, I am blessed with new mercies from my Savior.

the home stretch!

Well, the sun is shining, drawing everyone from their cold dorm rooms to the beautiful outside. People on the grass, on blankets, in hammocks, reading, listening to music, fellowshipping with one another enjoying God's creation. It's my favorite time of the school year. i love fall with the colors, and i love winter when we have snow... but spring, spring is my absolute favorite. The talk of summer plans is in conversations among friends, and everyone's counting down the days until the tests, the projects, the late night studying sessions are over. For me, I really try spending time with friends before summer gets here, and I don't see them for 3-4 months. I have been completely blessed with people God has plopped in my life. As much as I have to get done, and as easy as it is for me to sometimes freak out thinking about everything I have on my plate... I'm surprisingly calm, and trusting that I will get it all done. There's just something about the warm weather, the talk of summer, the fun times with friends at the end of the year that just makes me so happy.

Weather, Lyrics and happiness

So it's amazing how much weather affects my mood! Today was a beautiful day, the sun shining, perfect temperature, and so all I wanted to do was to be outside! It's funny how this weather makes me feel that I can conquer the world... I got done way more work than I thought I would. I just love springtime.

Then I was at starbucks (a second time today...) and listening to my ipod on shuffle and an old favorite praise song came on... my favorite part goes like this:
Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You.

I just love the words to that song. I want my one passion in this life that I'm living to be no thing and no one else but Jesus Christ my Savior. I want to run hard after Him, not just run to him when things are hard... but I want to constantly be running after Him, asking Him where He wants me, what His purpose is for me, what He wants me to do. I want nothing more than to follow God's will for me. There are so many things that I want to do, so many places I want to go... but I want no part of it if God doesn't want me there to do those things.

As much as I didn't want to come back to school... it really is so good being back. I can't believe how fast the semester is flying by. Before we know it Easter will be here, and then just 2 more weeks after that and finals will be here and it will be summer! It's a sad and happy thought... every time it seems like life is just flying by, it reminds me that I want to not get in a rut, I don't want to just live life wishing classes and homework away, but to really spend the time that I'm here to invest my life and love into other people. It's hard. But what an incredible blessing it is. These are the only 4 years of my life where I will be living with friends day in and day out. I don't want to look back and wish I could have done more. I don't want to get so much into routines and so much into myself that I end up not spending time with others. I don't want to live just an ordinary life. I want to live one that makes a difference and makes a difference for Christ. There's no better thing to strive for.

Coming Home

Me and Tinie (Justine)




Me and Katie

This break was SUCH a wonderful one... these 2 girls have been missed so much! (as they and everyone else always are when I'm at school haha) I'm pretty sure I just about cried when I saw them, haha! It was soooo good seeing them again! These girls are huge reasons as to why it's so hard for me to leave home! I'm definitely not wanting to leave and I just wish Covenant was in Medford so that I could go there while staying here :).

There's so many question marks in my life right now about several things...student teaching, jobs in the future, etc... yet it's amazing how coming home, things are the same. My relationship with these girls and Michelle, Lynda, and others have actually got stronger since moving away to school. Everytime I come home it's a huge blessing to hear what is going on in their lives, to take pictures, to hear how God is using them in awesome ways where they are at school. Home is familiar and comfortable and reassuring. I brought home books to do homework and I didn't even crack a book. Oops. But honestly I don't even care... my brain needed a break, it needed to not care about due dates and projects and books and midterms. And I'm so glad I can say that without stressing about all I'll have to do when I get back. It'll have been worth it to come home and relax and invest the short amount of days I had home into these people that mean the world to me. I love my friends at school and i'm excited to see them again of course... but at the same time, there's just something about coming home and going to my home church, about going to Lynda's and watching Amanda walk around the house, about going to Michelle's and pouring my heart out and vice versa, about looking outside to the place that I've called home for so long, that just makes my heart so full of joy.

Home is truly where the heart is... and my heart will always be in Medford, NJ.

big and little blessings

I was sitting at starbucks today waiting for a friend... I got there 20 minutes earlier than her. And I was sitting at a table, drink in hand, looking out the window... thinking, thinking, thinking. Looking outside, and seeing home. Sitting in the same starbucks I have been going to for 7 years. Hearing the same jazz music that I would never voluntarily listen to on my own. Thinking about all these things God's just placed in my lap. Opportunities I never dreamed of having. It's all kind of been a whirlwind break so far.

I talked to the mom today about the boy with autism for over an hour and Wednesday, mom and i are driving up to meet her, her husband, and 3 kids. Literally this is a DREAM come true if I get this job. I can't wait to see what God has in store.

I went and saw Amanda and her family today. Every time she looks at me and smiles, or walks to me and laughs as I catch her in my arms, I am reminded of why I want to go into special education. That little miracle has definitely stolen my heart.

All my friends who were such a mess over Christmas break are doing SO much better over this break, praise God. it's so good to see them with their joy again.

I am trying to enjoy every moment being home, especially with the possibility of this job and only being home on weekends during the summer. But I also have a lot more free time during the day time this break than I have before. Lots of time for thinking, praying, writing. It's good. I need this break. It's also hard. Hard, in that there's all these possibilities, or all these things that are up in the air, without a concrete answer. Am I going to get this job? Will I be able to student teach overseas? If I do get this job, will I still be able to go to the shore with Amanda and her family? I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing. But for once I am trusting that God cares for me, and I mean really trusting. In Luke 12, it talks about how God takes care of even the ravens and meets all their needs, so why do we not trust that He will do the same for us?

I'm a mixture of being anxious, excited, happy, scared, thoughtful, restful, and trusting. I am continually being reminded that my Savior cares for me, loves me, and am resting in the fact that I can trust in such a big and wonderful God.

And that is such a great feeling.

'Do not mistake God's silence for His absence.'

This is a quote from my pastor at school... and it has been such a wonderful one to constantly refer back to when it seems like God isn't listening.

I definitely have felt at times that God has been silent this semester... and that He just wasn't listening. I have been wanting so much to have reminders that He is faithful no matter what is going on around me. And the past 2 nights have been wonderful and exciting; God who is rich in mercy and love for me, has been reminding me that yes, He is faithful, even if things seem to be a mess!

Last night, we had the education dinner with all the juniors and seniors, as well as recruitors from ALL different schools from ALL over the world! I found out that you can actually do your second 9 week student teaching placement overseas... and me and a friend of mine both want to go to. . . ETHIOPIA! haha, i know, crazy! But I have always wanted to go to Africa for as long as I can remember. Not only would I get to student teach and live there for 9 weeks, but outside of school I could volunteer in orphanages, help AIDS victims, have Bible clubs with street children - um hello, right up my alley!

Then tonight, I got an email about this once in a lifetime opportunity to be a full time nanny to a precious little 3 year old boy recently diagnosed with autism. I am hoping to find out more about it on Monday and see if I can get this job! I mean, this is exactly what I would want to do! Full time experience on what it is like to be with a child who has special needs.

God is doing awesome things right now. And while not everything may make sense and not everything is a bed of roses all the time, He is still showing me that He is faithful - He knows the desires of my heart and is continuing to bless me, even though I have such little faith in Him. Our God is so awesome and I am continually learning what it means to truly follow after Him, to take up my cross daily and say, 'Lord, YOUR will be done. Not mine.' Those words are probably the hardest words we could pray, because it is showing God that He is free to do whatever it is HE wants, whether it's what you want or not! (not that He wouldn't do it anyway, but you get my point.) God has given me 2 amazing opportunites to serve Him in different ways, and I feel so ... honored. and just undeservingly blessed.

OH. and I'm home! Finally home after a long 2 months of school - sitting here in my own bed, in my town, with my friends, in the place I feel most myself and the most joy.

It's been a really great couple of days.