I need...

...to be home.

to see my family and my friends. I need to get away for a bit. I'm so tired. I talked to my best friend from home for an hour the other day and I just felt so much better... I miss her. I miss the comfort home brings along with the familiarity. People are texting me saying they can't wait til I'm home again. It's good to feel wanted like that. I miss my bed, and my dog, my parents, friends, and church. I need to recharge.


Just one week away. I love how break always come at just the right time.

Running back to You

Do you ever hear a song that you've heard about 100 times, but suddenly, when you hear it again, it takes on a whole new meaning? That happened to me today... I was by myself and I heard a song by Shawn McDonald that I've heard before, and I've always liked it, but this time, I really listened to the words... and now it's all I want to listen to!

Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems

I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there

I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

He is sweet, He is sweet
What you're looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
What You're looking for
Is my sweet Lord...


I heard that song and just wanted to put it on repeat. I feel like I've been far away from God recently... I've been frustrated with Him to be quite honest. Like, do you ever pray and pray and pray and nothing seems to happen? It's like you feel that He's not listening... or that He'd rather be hearing anyone's prayers but yours.

And then today after talking to a dear friend of mine from home, I got mad at myself... for being frustrated with God. Who am I to be frustrated with Him? Of course He's hearing me and of course He knows what He's doing... but instead of being frustrated - He's wanting me to run to Him and say, "Lord, I trust You and Your timing, and Your will. Do with me what you want. You give, you take away, and no matter what I'm going through, I'm going to bless Your name." Well. Clearly I can't pray that prayer unless I ask for strength to pray it. and mean it.

And as I was just sitting in my car, listening to the words of this song... a peace came over me. and i wanted to just sit and pray and run back into the arms of my Father. There is nothing that I can desire besides God that won't let me down... I've felt all of those "have you ever's" at some point... I've wanted to pack it up and say good bye before, I've wanted to be someone else, I've wanted to reach my dreams (still do!)... all these things are things that I feel everyone feels at some point... but what you're looking for, what I'm looking for... is the love of my sweet Jesus.

This song was such a blessing to hear today. I love how music can hit you in ways that spoken or written words cannot. It was like, God was giving me a 'big hug' through this song, and He whispered, "It is I you want. It is I who will take care of you. It is I you can trust. My love for You is greater than any love you've ever known. I am yours, and you are Mine. Come back to Me... my arms are open wide."


God, I'm running back to You. I feel like I've been so distanced from You... help my unbelief. Help me to trust You all the time. Remind me your will is better then my own. Give me peace that only You can give, and help me to love you with all that I am and all that I have...always. For you are my Savior, the Lord of my life, and I never want to be without You. Help me to never take your love for granted, and to never forget what an amazing gift it is to be called your child. There is no greater title i could ever have then, "Daughter of God."

Replace my pride with a heart of humility and help me to wake up every morning and choose to follow You with all that I am. Thank You for loving me, for I am so undeserving to have a Father like You.

Bring your thirsts, for he will quench them

Saturday night I didn't fall asleep til 6am... I had absolutely zero motivation to get up at 8 to go to church but for some reason I felt like I really had to go. So I got up and went and was praying that I wouldn't fall asleep during the sermon.

And I now have a new favorite hymn.

Come away from rush and hurry to the stillness of God's peace;
from our vain ambition's worry come to Christ to find release.
Come away from noise and clamor, life's demands and frenzied pace;
come to join the people gathered here to seek and find God's face.

In the pastures of God's goodness we lie down to rest our soul.
From the waters of God's mercy we drink deepy, are made whole.
At the table of God's presence all the saints are richly fed.
With the oil of God's annointing into service we are led.

Come, then children, with your burdens, life's confusions, fears and pain.
Leave them at the cross of Jesus; take instead His kingdom reign.
Bring your thirsts, for he will quench them, he alone will satisfy.
All our longings find attainment when to self we gladly die.

I have been reading the text of this song since church ending on Sunday... and I have been trying to wrap my brain about what it means to die to self... not only that but to do so gladly. I have to say I'm not so good at this. I'm not good at leaving things at the cross either. Or sometimes, I place my burdens at the cross and then decide to take them back and handle it on my own (STU-PID). My Jesus alone is what satisfies. My Jesus alone is the One who is always there and my Jesus alone is the One that heals, restores, strengthens, comforts, and loves like no one else. I have been clinging to the promises in this hymn this week... and the week is going pretty well! (Granted I know it's only the second day but still). Sometimes it's so easy to forget these promises that we've learned since we were 5 in Sunday School are still relevant and true as adults.

I want to die to self. And I want to do so gladly. I want to see that I can take my burdens or confusions or fears or doubts to the cross... and leave them there. What a precious and wonderful gift! Why is it so hard to let go though? ...Pride. Self-centeredness. A lack of humility. But I want my relationship with God to go deeper and farther then it ever has before. It's hard as a college student I think to know how to do that. How do I make time for God, classes, friends, alone time, homework and studying? etc. I'm not quite sure what that looks like but I'm taking baby steps and trying to figure it out.

An example of that, is that I started listening to Christian music again... I had gotten away from it for a while and today I listened to Shane & Shane and Bethany Dillion and I had forgotten how much this music inspires me. I was driving up the mountain alone just blaring the radio with a huge goofy smile on my face - it was wonderful!

This is a good yet crazy hectic semester... but I am determined to leave my cares and my anxieties about classes, family, stress, at the foot of the cross of Jesus. And pray that I leave them there. I am determined to get closer to my Savior and STOP making excuses as to why I can't read my Bible everyday, pray or journal everyday, etc. I am determined to have my thirsts quenched by the One who gave His life for me, so that I could live my life for Him.

I am determined to live my life in such a way that pleases Him... and leaves me to fall in love with my precious Jesus all over again.

Teaching

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." ~William Arthur Ward

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I feel that the Lord is calling me to be a teacher, and what that truly means. All my life I have wanted to be someone who makes a difference... even when I was little. I never really thought teaching was something God wanted me to do until I switched my major my sophomore year, and even then, I still had some doubts.

However, this semester is really getting into the practical side of teaching; the lesson planning, the state standards you have to follow, classroom management, etc. The one thing that has been drilled into our minds this far into the program is that the kids we teach, are kids that God has chosen to place in our care, for us to teach, nurture, and love them as He does. That's a big responsibility. And an awesome calling.

I want to teach in a school very unlike the ones I grew up in; schools in the inner city, schools with students who have difficult home lives, schools with diversity. (unlike my snobby rich white kids schools). Part of me doubts that I am cut out for this... and I know it is just Satan putting lies in my head, making me doubt myself, doubting the fact that I will be able to make a difference in the lives of those students in my classroom. But, I really think this is what God is calling me to do. Part of me is almost wondering if I will even be in a special education classroom. Maybe, God wants me in the regular classroom. If you had told me this a year, or to be honest even a month or so ago, I would have dismissed the idea right away. I am still planning on grad school for special education... but maybe God wants me to use my passion for special needs elsewhere, like helping start a special needs ministry in whatever church I end up at, but still teaching in a regular classroom the rest of the time.

It's so awesome to see God give us passions and desires. I may still end up in a special education room... but it's nice to know that I'm open to either one. I am really loving this semester. Sure there are still difficult things to deal with... aka - not sleeping well, lots of homework, etc. But what I'm gaining from classes, friendships, time with my Savior, is making this a great semester. I'm excited about the prospect of teaching, and where God is going to take me, what He is going to want me to do. And yes, there's some fear there too.

But how great is it, that as a Christian, I know that God has my best interest at heart, and I have peace that He will work everything out, so that I don't have to worry about it? Of course I still worry at times... I'm human. But, it's just such a wonderful gift to know Jesus. And I think as Christians we take that for granted, especially those of us who have grown up in the church. It is incredibly easy to become numb to people when they say things like, "God has a plan for you!" or, "Give it all to God, He'll take care of you!" But it's true!

I want to rejoice in that, I want to revel in the fact that my God is going to meet all my needs, He's going to show me where He wants me, and He's going to use me however He sees fit.

I'm excited to be a teacher... and I hope that by the grace of God, I'll be a great one.

tired

I've been wanting to blog for a while...and now that I have the time, the words just won't form. I hate it when that happens.

I'm really tired.

I want my bed at home. I'm ready for a break... the work is piling up... I haven't had a good night's sleep in about a week.

I miss my friends.

I miss my family.

And my dog.

I'm ready to be done school and be a teacher now.

I'm tired of not knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing. I wish we could just know how things will turn out. But I guess that's why they call it faith.

Well I'm off to bake cookies.

Will write more later.

21*

So... I turned 21 on Monday... and can I just say that I have the best friends in the world? cause i do.

My 3 most favorite people at Covenant took me on a surprise picnic in Coolidge park (one of my favorite places), they brought blankets, dishes, we bought subway sandwiches (another favorite!) fruit, cups and lemonade mix, they made me brownies (favorite dessert!), ranch doritos....(you guessed it - my favorite chips!) and basically made me feel super special.

I have realized how important friendships are, the value of being honest, and the blessing of having people in your life that you can turn to no matter what, and who love you regardless. I have grown a lot this year. And these 3 girls have been there to encourage me, help me, pray for me, listen to me, the list goes on and on. I hope you girls know just how much I love you. Thank you for making my 21st birthday so wonderful...