Learning, Growing, Praying, Trusting
Well. That about sums up my life about now.
I just had a wonderful weekend with a dear friend of mine. However, it wasn’t all full of laughs and good times… it was hard. And it was sad. But it was so good. She really needed to just get a weekend away from things that were going on at home and she was able to just come and talk to me and we cried and prayed together and I was able to comfort her and be there for her.
However, when she came I had no idea that this weekend would be as much for me as it was for her.
It’s hard to know where to start because I have so many things and thoughts running through my head. When she came here and told me all these hard things she was going through that I had NO idea were even going on, my gut reaction or my gut feeling would usually be guilt. Guilt for not knowing, guilt for not being more concerned, guilt for not being able to make her pain go away, guilt for x, y, and z. I can always come up with a reason. BUT. For the first time in I don’t know how long, a friend came to me, she shared her heart and her hurt with me. And I didn’t feel guilty. Because for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t trying to be somebody’s Savior. I was trying to be their friend. And it was amazing. Like this huge weight was lifted off of me. Because for so much of my life, I have always tried to be the Savior…I’ve always tried to be the one to just make the pain go away. And I felt that if they came to me and trusted me and I gave them advice and comforted them, if they still felt the way that they did before, then that must mean I failed. Talk about pressure! No wonder I feel such relief. Because as I was talking to my friend, I realized that God was giving me words not only for her, but for me as well. “You can’t make his pain go away. You need to rely on God. All you can do is walk with him and be there for him and pray, pray, pray.” It was different hearing me say those things and making the connection that we both want to be the ones to make our friends’ hurt go away, hearing my own words come out of my mouth and realizing that I do the same thing that I was trying to tell her not to do, made it easier for me to accept for some reason. and I started to see something else. I so much rather would be someone’s friend than trying and failing miserably to be someone’s Savior. Because the only one that can be a Savior… is THE Savior, Jesus Christ. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it, but I finally did and it’s an amazing feeling to realize that I was putting an insane amount of pressure on myself, and that I can just give that to God and let HIM be the One to take their pain away, because really, He’s the only one that can.
As I was talking to this friend at lunch, she said something to me. She said, “Stacy, you are always everybody else’s cheerleader but your own.” And I was quiet for a minute. And thought about it. And realized she was right. I put everyone above myself to the point where I don’t acknowledge or want others to acknowledge when I’m sad or hurt, because it’s almost like I feel like I’m being self-centered or something. I’ve heard so many sermons on selflessness and putting others first that I just assumed that that meant I shouldn’t care about my own self and my own emotions or feelings. I shouldn’t talk about things that hurt me, because I should be focused on helping others and putting their needs above my own.
Another friend of mine said once recently, that I should make a list of all the things about myself that I like. And I started to understand why that concept was so hard for me. Because I feel that when I say, “Oh, I’m good at this or that, or, I have the gift of this or that,” that I’m being boastful somehow. That having confidence in myself is like a bad thing. And I’m starting to see that it’s not. That it’s important to deal with my own feelings and to for once care about myself. I love helping others and that would be something that would go on that list. But I need to start realizing that it’s ok to be confident in the person I am, and stop trying to compare myself to others cause I’ve done it for so long. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t compare myself to others. But two good friends of mine even though I have probably frustrated them so much, have told me over and over again that I shouldn’t compare myself. That the woman that God has made me is the woman I’m supposed to be. And I shouldn’t want to be someone else. That is a hard lesson and it is one that I will have to keep coming back to, but it is so nice to finally start understanding it a little bit more.
I have probably learned and grown more in this one semester than I have in all the semesters I’ve had at college. I’m learning that not just this semester, but my whole life, especially high school on, I’ve put such a huge emphasis on friendships, that I was looking to people to make me joyful, rather than Jesus. We heard a sermon today, where I swear he was speaking right to ME. And he said, we can’t look to others to be the perfect spouse or parent or friend. There’s a part in all of us that long to have that perfect relationship because that is what we were originally created for. But because of sin, it distorted everything that was good and perfect. But we have a King who is the only one that can give us that perfect relationship that we all desire to have. Looking to other people to fill that, will just bring sadness and heartache. And I finally saw today that I need to rely on Christ and not on others for my joy or acceptance or ______ fill in the blank.. And it’s not just people from Covenant, it’s friends at home, it’s family, it’s the special needs kids I work for. I can’t find my source of happiness in them. It has to be Christ. And that’s not to say that friends can’t bring you joy or happiness but, if that’s what you’re looking for in friends rather than in God, you’ll never be satisfied. Because only the joy that is found in Christ is going to satisfy you. He blesses us with friendships and the love from other people. But his joy and his love is so much more.
I have wonderful friends that I have been so blessed with. And it’s so nice to have friends who tell you when you’re messing up. Even though they know that you may feel uncomfortable hearing what they have to say, because they know that in the end it’s the best for you, and they want you to grow and lean on God like you have never before. To have friends like that, who tell you the truth even when it’s hard to hear… and who are there for you on the journey that you’re on, the journey of trusting God and seeing things about yourself that are hard but are there for you when you just need to cry or need a hug…that is a huge blessing.
I say this all knowing that just because I’m learning these things doesn’t mean I’ll never have hard days. Because for once I’m going to be honest about my feelings. I know there will be hard times. I know there will be times where I revert back to how I’ve felt before. But. I will always know that I have a Savior that loves me just as I am. And he wants me to rely on Him for strength. Yes He brings people into our lives to help us and comfort us and be there for us. but not to BE Him for us. there’s a difference and I’m starting to see that now. And as hard as these lessons are, for the first time, I’m glad that I’m learning them. Because I’m seeing how much good they are doing for me. And how much I need to learn them.
I am learning what it means to say, in the good times, in the hard times, when I’m happy and when I’m sad… blessed be the name of the Lord. For the joy of the Lord is my strength.
