Undeserved Love.

Do you ever think and reflect on what God is doing and just well up with tears? Tears of gratefulness, tears of relief, tears of seeing how God is changing people? Or especially, tears of knowing that God has loved you so undeservedly, and blessed you beyond measure?

That's me right now.

I am just sitting, reflecting, looking back and looking at my life now and being filled with excitement for the future. Sometimes I just want to kick myself for what little faith I have in my awesome God. Going into this summer, I had no idea how I was going to make any income... it was driving me crazy. Nothing was coming together. That is, until I threw up my hands and completely 100% gave it to God. Now, I have a job as a youth intern and have been getting called like crazy to babysit.

After a year of only being able to ask God, "Why?" with tears of frustration because I couldn't understand why things were happening, I am now seeing and being reminded yet again, that God is faithful. God is providing for me. It's not our place to always know the will of God. All I know is, God is growing me and stretching me in so many wonderful, painful, and beautiful ways. It is so exciting.

This summer is going to be amazing. God has given me this wonderful opportunity to bring out 2 girls that I graduated with, to church and to our college group. (which was tonight) I am leading a small group at Fuel, (college group), helping with different childcare needs for the church, feeding the homeless in Philly and making prayer bracelets for prostitutes in Camden...the list goes on with how many people we at Fuel can help. It has been showing me that HERE is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Here. At home. With these people. Reaching out to this community. Not in Princeton where I so desperately wanted to be just a few short months ago. But right here.

God is providing. God is keeping His promises just like He said He would. God is changing hearts and lives, right here in Medford... and it is such an exciting thing to see, and all I can do, is sit back and thank the Lord for reminding me just how amazing my Savior truly is, and allowing me to be a part of what He's doing here these next few months.

I can't wait....

...until July 16th :) My best is coming to see me! it's only for 4 days and we have like 1,000 things we wanna do while she's here but we're excited!

also can't wait til I can say, "I've lost 20lbs!" (joined a gym and started dieting ha)

can't wait to go to the shore with Amanda and her family for 2 whole weeks!

Can't wait for a family reunion in PA (yeah I know I'm weird, I like family reunions ok?)



Lots to look forward to!!

Mold me

I have officially been home a week now (as of yesterday). And I am starting to see little reasons as to why I didn't get that 'dream' job with that autistic boy this summer. It has become so evident that this is where I am supposed to be during these next three months.

2 sweet girls who are new to church, have asked me and Katie if they could do a bible study with us. They are so eager to know more about this faith that we have - it makes me so excited! They are searching for truth and it is a beautiful thing to see. it's beautiful because they think the way to find satisfaction and this Truth that they are searching for, is in God. And they're right.

It's so easy to get frustrated by disappointments in life. So easy to lose your trust in God that He's working all things out for your good... especially when the things He's supposedly working out are painful. But then today when I was with these 2 girls and Katie, and we saw just how much they were glowing talking about this new concept of God, and church and faith, it just made me well up with excitement. Even when things are disappointing or upsetting, I can't forget that God is good, ALL the time! He will provide me with everything I need, and I can rest in that. I don't have to worry.

I am so excited to see the journey that God takes these girls on this summer, and me as well. I want my love for God to deepen, my heart for the lost to expand and my desire to know the Word grow. I am constantly amazed at what God is teaching me. I love the analogy of God being the potter and of us, His children, being the clay. Being poked and prodded and molded is painful sometimes. But what joy it must be for God to look up every now and then at His work and see how beautiful it is becoming. And that's the exciting thing - He won't be finished molding us and growing us until Christ comes back!

I heard an old song on the K-Love radio station yesterday, and these lyrics are what I want to live by this summer...

And I, I'm desperate for You. And I, I'm lost with You, Oh Lord.

I pray that I would live a life that shows that I am desperate to know my Jesus, that shows that I am completely lost without Him. Mold me however you want to, Lord. Just make me into the woman that You want me to be!

Home...

...finally!!

This is my third night at home. And I'm so glad to be back! I got to see little Amanda yesterday. I went on her bus to get her off and she looked at me, and then a big grin began to form on her face - and my heart just melted. She is a constant reminder that special education is what the Lord has called me to do in some way.

It's always a little weird coming home at first...I still feel like I'm going to go back in a week, back to the daily grind of papers, tests, late nights... but it's not the case! It hasn't really sunk in yet. I miss my friends but tomorrow I get to start seeing all my friends here that I haven't seen since either Spring break or Christmas! I just love being home. It's familiar. It's comfortable. It's full of people I know and love and miss terribly when I'm at school.

I've been reading since I got back...for FUN. I forgot how much I really loved reading...i haven't been able to read whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in such a long time! So i'm soaking it up :)

I'm so glad to be home... to just rest, relax, spend precious time with people who mean the world to me. I'm excited to see what God does this summer, what His plans are for me and what He wants me to do. (Whatever it is - I hope it includes having a job!!)

joy, excitement, tears

The school year is almost done. One more final tmrw and I will officially be a senior in college...how did that happen?! I'm so excited for the summer and the near future. Next year with fall block, friends getting engaged, student teaching, thinking about applying for teaching jobs here in this area... so much to look forward to. EVERYTHING is up in the air, and normally I hate that, but it's also exciting just waiting and seeing where God's going to take me.

But tomorrow, the good-byes start. And that I am NOT looking forward to. Tomorrow is Katie, then the next few days more and more friends will start leaving. I've never been good with good-byes... it's so hard in college; you get used to seeing these people everyday. Your friends in college become literally like your family. They see you through everything. Good times, sad times, times of joy, or sadness, proud moments, disappointing moments. I have some of the greatest friends here. And I have been blessed beyond measure.

And I hate how one of those blessings is leaving tomorrow. :(

Empty.

Cleaning Day is approaching. Tomorrow to be exact. My drawers and desk are packed. My shelves went from being stuffed with books to only a couple left that I need for my last 2 finals. I only have a week's worth of clothes left in my dresser. All the pictures on the walls have been taken down and are packed away.

Empty.

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love it in that finally, the tests/papers/projects/late nights with no sleep are done, I can be home with my family and friends that I'm never able to see throughout the year, it's warm and you can go to the beach, it's my favorite time of year.

But it's also my least favorite. I have to say good-bye to so many people. This year in particular, I have so many close friends who are graduating. I am more than happy for them, but sad for me, in that I won't have the priviledge of getting to see them each day. It's such a strange feeling. I don't think it has fully hit me yet what that means... but each day that gets closer, it becomes more of a reality for me.

I'm excited for the summer. But mostly right now, I am sad. There are many that I will miss...many that I have such wonderful memories with. I don't want to say good-bye. I hate that feeling. That knot in your stomach that just knows you're gonna have to do something soon that you don't want to do.

And now I'm a big crying mess. Guess it's time to end this one for now...

...and savor these last 7 days.