Inadequacy and unexpected blessings

This summer has been full of wonderful, unexpected blessings. I really needed this. And am so grateful to God for all He's done for me these last few weeks.

This week in particular was very special. From Monday-Thursday I went on a retreat with the middle schoolers I've been working with this summer. I had 2 girls the night before we left, both 6th graders, text me and ask if I could be the leader in their room. And I was. Each day started at 7:30am for breakfast and went non-stop til about 11:30 at night for bed! There was a climbing wall, a zip line, a "giant ladder and giant swing," archery, kickball, soccer, dodgeball, volleyball, 4 square, swimming, the list goes on! Needless to say it was a physically exhausting trip! While we were there we had 4 sessions together where we met to study the Bible together. Since we had 4 sessions and there are 4 chapters in Philippians, Andrew (the Middle School pastor) decided to study a chapter per session - and it was amazing. This age is SO crucial to have a solid foundation for your faith. The first night was just an intro to the week and the book of Philippians in general, so the girls in my room asked me that night if we could read Chapter 1 together and discuss it before we studied it more in depth the next day - 11 year olds!! :) I was so thrilled!!

Each day from lunch until dinner we had free time to do whatever. So Wednesday, our last day there, I wrote notes to the 2 girls that were in my room and just told them how much I have loved getting to know them, what blessings they have been to me, and encouraged to keep on seeking Christ in their lives. Well, I had no idea what the result of that would be. They read them as we were packing and getting ready for bed - and both of them completely broke down crying, because I am leaving them to go back to school in 10 short days. It was absolutely the saddest yet most unexpected part of the trip. I had no idea I had become so dear to them as they had become to me. I mean this was at least a half an hour of me trying to assure them that even though I may not be there physically, they can call me anytime, email me anytime, that I'll be sure to see them when I'm home, etc. These girls put their trust in me and came to love me just like I came to love them in these last couple months. I had no idea it would be so hard for them.

This job was kind of last minute and I had no idea if I'd get it or not. But all these little details kept working out so that it did! And I am so grateful. I knew I would enjoy this job a lot, but had no idea what God had in store. I felt so inadequate - all I knew was that I had leaders when I was younger who made tremendous impacts on me, and if I could impart a little knowledge and try to make some friendships with some kids, then that would be great!

These kids are dealing with a lot right now... middle school is just hard. But I was able to relate a lot to what they're going through. Lots of them go to public school so the world is right in their face at such a young age.

They get made fun of for their faith. Check.

They deal with temptations every day. Check.

They have friends who have hurt them. Check.

They want to show people the love of Christ, but it's hard, especially when you feel like you're the only Christian in your school. Check.

All these things I have dealt with at one point or another, and they know that. And I'm so glad that I was able to share my own experiences with them, and different lessons I've learned through those times. It has definitely been the most amazing and rewarding job I've ever had and I will never forget it. Or these beautiful girls I have come to love so much.

65.

This is my 65th post since I started blogging back in October. (Thanks jill!) As I look back and see what I've written over this past year, allow feelings of this past year to resurface, and become reminded yet again, just what God has taught me, it encourages me to think about the future... some is a little nerve racking, because often when God tries to teach us things, He allows different pain or trials to come into our lives; but I see that it is only to draw us nearer to Himself. And if that be the result, than any pain or trial should be worth it.

The past few days I have been able to spend precious time with precious people, and it saddens me to think that I will be leaving them in a mere 13 days from now. These people have challenged me, prayed for me this year at school as well as this summer, and have been more like sisters to me than anyone! They all hold a special place in my heart, and whatever job or move that may be happening with my family in the near future, I have peace. Peace that these few sisters in Christ and I have a bond that will surpass any amount of distance that is put between us.

On another note, my friend from NYC came down yesterday and went to church! I can't even put into words how great it was to see him enjoy church so much and I just hope and continue to pray that He will one day make a decision to give his life over to Jesus.

And tomorrow, I am going on a 3 day retreat with the middle schoolers that I've been working with all summer! I can't wait to spend this quality time with these amazing girls. I have enjoyed this job so much, and leaving them too, will be difficult.

There is much to look forward to, much to be in prayer about, and much to rejoice in. This has been one of the best summers I've had in quite a while, and I am just so thankful for the people God has blessed me with. But I am also thankful for what God has been teaching me, how He has challenged me, and how He has shown me again and again that I need to rely on Him and Him alone. At church we ended the service with this song, and it really touched my heart. This is what I want my life to be. This is what we are here for.

Let your love flow through me
Let your love flow through me
Let your love flow through me
Jesus

Let your love flow through me
So that others may see
That You alone are God.

I hope and pray that others will see His love in me. That I would become less and He would become more. That I would rest in Christ alone. And that my life would be one of service to Jesus.

Friendship & Worship

I've been thinking alot about friendship lately and what it means to have a strong friendship. I just got to have 4 great days, spending time with one of my best friends and future roomie and it was just so easy. Friendship shouldn't have to be hard or forced. It just works. Sure you have to work at a friendship, but it's so nice when 2 people just click ya know? It's nice knowing that you have someone who is there for you no matter what, who knows and understands you, someone who can be honest with you. The thing that's tricky however, is not running to them before you've run to your Savior. It's so important that Christ remains our center and the first one we go to - the one who knows us way better than anyone else. Sometimes I find myself going to someone else when I'm sad or hurt or even really happy just cause I want a verbal response from someone. But God delights in us coming to Him! He delights in the fact that we want to spend time with him - that's amazing.

I'm preparing a bible study tomorrow - week 3 of our middle school girls' study and I decided on the topic of worship. We think so much today that worship simply means singing songs on Sunday morning. We even call it "worship" on Sunday... and yes, singing is a piece of it, but it's just that; a piece. it's not the definition of worship. Worship is living our lives in a way that is pleasing to God. Worship is surrendering all that we are to Him. Worship is saying, "God there are people and things in my life that I love, but Lord, if ANY of them take the place of my love for YOU, take it from me! For NOTHING deserves my love more than You!"

Wow.

I know I am so guilty of putting things/people above my love for God. And yet even though I do that, even though my priorities can be so messed up, God continuously loves and forgives.

It's really incredible in the fact that each time I've prayed for a topic in this weekly Bible study, God has given me something that as I'm literally speaking to these girls, the words coming out of my mouth are exactly what I myself need to hear.

Week 1: Trusting God - my dad doesn't have a job. WOW. talk about needing to trust God to provide for my family!!

Week 2: Prayer - I lack in this area so much and I desperately want to change that. My friend Leah told me this summer, "If we go through a whole day without talking to God, it's like saying, 'God, I can do this day with out you."

Yikes.

And week 3: Worship - remembering that my whole life needs to be an act of worship to my Father.

God is so great and is constantly teaching me. It's amazing to have a Father who knows me more than a friend or parent, who loves me more than anyone else ever could. And even though He knows me THAT well, He still desires my time, my prayers, my life.

What an awesome God.

Very soon...

My best is coming up from SC to stay with me Thursday to Monday!! It's a short visit but we are both so excited! Our schedules have been so crazy that we have only been able to talk on the phone a mere two times. (so not good enough!) But this long weekend we will get to see each other, relax, catch up on life, take pics, and she will get to see and understand another piece of me, because she will get to see my home, where I grew up; my life outside of Covenant College.

I'm so excited for this year to start. (as well as totally scared/nervous ha). This year is going to be way different than the last ones and I'm really looking forward to it.

Senior year.
Best friend in a house.
Soccer games.
Tennis lessons.
Lesson plans.
Children.
Inspiring.
Grading.
Writing.
Loving.
Listening.
Encouraging.
Teaching.
Growing.
Learning.

All these things are things that I am so looking forward to about this year. I'm going to savor every moment and try my best not to waste any time that I have left. I'm so ready to go...

...after this long weekend anyway ;)

"Broken & Beautiful"

And it’s beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful, beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

That's one of my favorite Christian songs - "broken & beautiful".

When you are broken, it is often difficult to think of that process as being a beautiful one. When you are broken, it is very hard to look to the masterpiece that the mess will soon become. People are afraid to be broken; it hurts to be broken. It's not a typically fun thing to go through. But it is necessary.

I've felt broken a lot at times. There have been some broken things in my life over college; broken friendships, broken dreams, broken plans at times. One of the hardest things to see though, is watching someone else go through that process; someone you love and care for. And you know that they have to experience it, and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

However. When the pain of the brokenness has been lifted, and you can look at your life and see how God has taken the broken pieces and created this beautiful piece of art that is your life, something more beautiful than you could have ever created on your own - it makes it all worth it; all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration.

To be broken, is to truly be beautiful in the eyes of God. Being willing to be broken before your Savior is showing God that you truly surrender all of yourself to Him to do as He pleases. It's showing Him that you trust Him with your life, and that you know that whatever He decides to take away, give you, whether it be joyful or painful, you know it will be for your good, and will utimately bring glory to Him.

See, Christ came to earth and he became broken for us. There is no better picture of "broken and beautiful" than the cross and the Savior who died upon it. He came down to earth, knowing that He would have be broken, and knowing that He would have to be broken because of our sins. Thank God that He chose to be broken for us. Thank God that He chose to let God bring Him that pain - so that we could have life with Him forever.

It may hurt to be broken; it may be hard to swallow our pride and allow God to do His work in us and to be completely surrendered... but when we take that brokenness and allow God to do what He wants with our lives and we give ourselves to Him... it's also incredibly beautiful, don't you think?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXut0HxncvY (God's Chisel video - so good!)

Some habits are hard to break...

Some habits are just so hard to stop. Even when you know it's wrong, or you know there's no point to continue doing whatever it is you're doing.

For me, it's anxiety.

And I wish I knew why this is a struggle for me. I dealt with it a lot over the past year or so and every time i'd get anxious I'd try so hard to talk myself out of worrying. It's very hard though.

One thing though that has made me grateful about this struggle is that it causes me to call out to my Savior even more. When I'm worrying/anxious the very first thing I do is pray. Pray for God to calm my heart, pray for God to help me trust in Him, pray for God to help me understand that it's HIS timing and not my own.

Even though it's wrong to worry, and it's something that I need to try to overcome, in a way, it has been a bit of a blessing in that regard. Sometimes things look scary or bad or upsetting, but when you really look at what God is teaching you through it, or how He is using it to grow you, you can look back and see that it's not so bad after all; in fact, He has most likely given you that worry or struggle or fear to somehow bring you closer to Him.

And if that's the case... then whatever it is we are facing... is worth it.

"I may not have all I need, but I know God is taking care of me"

That quote that you see in this title is a quote from a new friend that I made yesterday. Her name is sonya. You may not thing much of this quote, or feel that there is any reason to look at it at length or digest it.

However. There is something you must know about my new friend.

She is homeless.

Sonya is an older black woman in her late 50’s, maybe early 60’s, and she just smiles this smile where you know that her life has been touched by none other than our Savior, Jesus.

First, let me explain to you how I came about meeting her. For Fuel, our 18-24 yr old young adult group at church, there is a ministry called “Feeding5000.” It is a ministry started by a man named Jim at my church and the Lord just put it on his heart to reach out to the homeless in a city very close to us, Philadelphia. Each week, Jim makes 150 meals, pays for them out of pocket (which costs about 128 dollars each week) and goes in to Philly and hands out these meals.

This Saturday I decided, I wanted to go. I have always had a heart for homeless ministries and it always irked and just upset me whenever I would hear phrases like, “Homeless people are just drug addicted people” or, “the only reason one is homeless is because they’re irresponsible drug addicts or alcoholics.” Even when I was very young, I knew that there HAD to be homeless people that did not fit those stereotypical assumptions. And yesterday, that proved to be true.

When we got there, since Jim has been doing this every Saturday since July, there was already a line of about 75 people or so just waiting for the food we were about to give them which would probably be their only meal of the day, or even weekend. After passing out the food, we stayed in the park for about an hour, and passed out New Testaments and “Our Daily Bread” devotionals and were able to pray and just talk to these people. That’s what really stuck out to me… these are just people. Just like you and me, people, with names, with stories, with families. I met Sonya. I met Jim. I met a homeless veteran named Anthony. I saw a pregnant homeless person. I had to tell a mom and her three precious children that we had run out of food and watch the sadness in their eyes when they heard they were too late. Turning down food for those children was the hardest thing I had to do that day.

Ever since returning from Philadelphia yesterday, I cannot close my eyes without seeing their faces. It truly brought to light the verse that says, “Whatever you do for the least of these my brothers, you do unto me.”

Sometimes it can be so easy to judge, or to not care… ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ But being a part of the body of Christ, we can’t let this issue be that way. Because God DOES see, and he DOES mind that his children are without food and shelter. He DOES care. We serve a mighty God, a mighty God who loved us with a love that we cannot even begin to comprehend. And if we have accepted that love from Him, than we know that we are to pass on that same love to others.

And when you do, when you see someone in need and offer a listening ear, when you see someone hungry and in need of a meal, when you see someone who is alone and gently remind them their Savior is always with them… not only will God be smiling down on you, but you will be so blessed in return.

If you would like to find out how you can help this amazing ministry, please let me know, and I would be more than happy to help you in taking part in feeding God’s children of Philadelphia.