Oh, Changes

The end of the year is in sight. One paper to write left and then finals start next week. May 9, 2009. This is the day I have dreaded since making all my senior friends last year and the year before. Knowing in the back of my mind that they would be leaving me but pushing the thought away time and time again thinking that it would never get here. And yet, in 2 short weeks, they will be gone.

It's interesting to look back even after 3 years, and see how much I've changed; how much I've grown, how much my walk with God has been something that I have clung to in sad or difficult times. How much more real my faith seems. This year went by in a blink of an eye. Even though I won't be graduating, I know I will cry as I pack up my room, knowing that I will not return to the hall i've now lived on for 3 years of my life. Even though I am so ready for this next chapter, moving off campus, student teaching, only really having one more semester as a student... even though I'm ready for all those things. Saying good bye to the hall. Saying good bye to people who are graduating. These are things that I wish i didn't have to do. Part of me is scared. Scared that when they leave and we all have our own lives and we are separated that we won't talk as often, or we'll lose touch, or we'll just move on... I hope that doesn't happen especially with the friends who have been my backbone of support these last few years.

To my roommates... I love you both. Dearly. and i hope that that fact is evident to you. and i hope you know just how proud of you I am. you are blessings in my life and i will never forget to thank God for bringing me so much joy by allowing me to be a part of your lives.


I'm hoping to just live it up the last 2 weeks, take in all the moments, enjoy the last few days of 'dorm life' and just take time to sit back and reflect on all the blessings God has given me, especially in the friendships of those who are leaving.

Hard to believe that'll be me in just one more year.

And With His Stripes We Are Healed

So today has been a 'blah' day for the most part. I woke up around 10, got a LOT of work done (at this rate, i'll have nothing to do on monday!) and watched WAY too many episodes of the Office. Did some laundry. Wrote down all the assignments i'm hoping to get done over break. It was dreary outside. the clouds were so close it was like you could reach your hand out the window and touch them. Then the rain came. and POURED for a long time. we even were in a tornado warning for 45 minutes and almost had to go down to the basement. it was hard being stuck in the room all day, not a soul to talk to. But it was good too. Very productive.

Then I decided I really wanted to go to LMPC's Good Friday service. Words can't describe it. At least twice I was brought to tears either by what we were singing or what Scriptures we were reading. His death seemed so real to me in that moment. I felt so undeservedly loved.

The call to worship was actually the first time I got emotional. Joe Novenson (my pastor) opened with 2 bible passages. The first one is one of my favorite verses, "Be still and know that I am God." Until tonight, I didn't really grasp the true meaning of this verse. Joe said that in the original language, 'be still' didn't mean 'without motion' or to rest from the busyness of life. 'Be still' meant, 'give it up.' It doesn't mean just rest from all the craziness. It means 'give it up, and know that I am God.' Give me your worries and your doubts, your frustration and your hurt. Give it up. Remember who I Am. I am God! Trust me. Then he read a verse about being quiet in Isaiah. Quiet does not just mean the absence of noise. It meant 'rest.' The way Joe put these 2 verses just made my eyes well up with tears.

I'm not one who always wants to 'give it up' to God. I try everything in my power to fix things MY way before ever considering going to Him. I'm also one for not wanting to just sit. Be still. Rest. And this weekend with no one here is forcing me to do so. and it's good. Hard at times? Sure. Lonely at times? Sure. But so, so good. I have no distractions. No commitments to anything. No schedule to hang out with a million people. Just me and my Savior. For four days. At the most important time of the year.


Jesus died for me. I've heard that for as long as I can remember. But tonight, it was like I had heard it for the first time. Jesus died... for me.

And 'with His stripes, we are healed.'

sleepless nights...

So, I'm laying here in bed...exhausted...and it's 2:39am. Still awake.

I hate these nights. Every now and then I go through these spurts of sleeplessness and let me tell you... it's awful! My mind tends to wander and once it starts thinking about whatever it is it is thinking about, it's sooo hard to make it stop. That's usually why I can't sleep. I just think, think, think. And yet it is a struggle just to keep my eyes open at the moment.


I'm tired of thinking. I just want to go to sleep.

Change, humility and beauty

So all day it seems, the topic of first impressions has come up. Different friends have been talking about what it was like when they first met the other; what they thought of them even when they didn't really know them, etc. It's interesting how you can be so wrong about someone because you haven't gotten a chance to know them. I remember one of my best friends from home, I thought she hated me in 9th and 10th grade... but it wasn't true! and then 2 years later, we became best friends!

I've been thinking alot too about how much has changed from this time last year... SO much. So many things in my life are not how I pictured they would be a year ago. Some of the things I wish weren't true... I wish they had stayed the same. But others are good things. I never thought I'd be this excited about teaching. I never thought I'd be living off campus my senior year! I never thought my grandmom would get cancer or that a dear neighbor and friend would be taken away. I never thought that staying in Chattanooga would be something I would ever consider... and yet I am. I never thought I would have rely on God so much for comfort and strength and peace as I have had to at certain points in this year. I never thought that I'd be having to say good-bye to so many amazing, wonderful friends on May 9, 2009.

Change has always been something that I have wanted to avoid... whether it be change in friendships, change in location, change in interest, change in ____. It has just always scared me. But I think God has used all this change in my life during the past year, to finally get it through my thick head that He is in control and has a wonderful plan for my life. And that through all the changes life brings... and there will be many I'm sure... He is the only constant. He is the One I can always count on to be the same faithful, loving, holy, sovereign Lord of my life. What a tremendous peace that brings me. It's like a huge weight is taken off my shoulders and I can breath again. I don't have to worry. I don't have to fear change. Because through all the changes that have happened in my life, whether good or bad, He has remained faithful! And He has remained constant.

Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in humility, to have everything secure taken away, to have a ton of questions with no answers, before we know what it's like to truly seek our Savior; before we truly understand what it means to follow and trust in Him. And as painful as it may be to be brought to that place of utter brokenness... that is when we truly grasp just how much we need Jesus.

That is when we see that only He can truly take those broken pieces of our lives, and make us whole. He can take those broken pieces and make something beautiful out of it.

I'm seeing each day how God is taking my brokenness and is using it to mold me into the woman of God that He wants me to be. Being molded and shaped and prodded is hard; sometimes it hurts. and sometimes when you're in it, when you're sad or confused or scared, you have no idea how anything good can come out of it. But that's why you give your sadness, confusion, and fear to the Creator. Because He will take those things of your life and use them to make a masterpiece; an amazing life in which you never expected could ever contain all those difficult things.

And that life, because it has been surrendered to Jesus, is truly beautiful.